Water Bottle

This is the water bottle that I got today. It seemed, well, very. . .fitting, I guess. It's no secret that because of my anxiety I've latched onto water. And it's really no secret that you can always find it in my purse. But maybe something I've kept secret for too long. . .is how it hurts when people poke fun at the fact that I always have it. Or worse, when they say things like "I seriously doubt you're going to die of dehydration while. . ." walking next door, driving to town, taking a walk, the list goes on and on. 

I know that those phrases are not meant to hurt me, but I think that by not telling people they did, I only made it worse. Does that make any type of sense?

I feel like if I had told people-my family-at the time that hearing things like that hurt, it would have been a good step. Instead, I kept it bottled up. And that only led to me being very secretive and distrustful with my family about my anxiety and the water. I wouldn't say anything if an attack came on, I'd just disappear. I learned to be ready five minutes before it was time to go, and have the water in my purse. And maybe they knew, but maybe they didn't.

I don't think they realize that it ever hurt me. And even now, when I go to see my out of town family, I'm just as careful. A lot of the time I never let them see it. Out of my entire family, no one but those I live with have ever seen me have an attack and actually known it was happening.

And I'm not saying that I'm mad at them, or that I blame them. If I had a kid (or niece or granddaughter or cousin, etc) that struggles like I do, I wouldn't know what to do either. I would probably make the same mistakes, and some of my own. But I wouldn't want them to keep it from me if I'd hurt them. I didn't start getting better until I found someone I could talk to about it all. Someone who wasn't family, and therefore it didn't register as. . .i don't know. Threatening? A person who had never said anything to belittle how I felt or what was in my mind, a person I felt I could trust because. . .she'd never given me a reason not to. 

I did my best to hide the attachment to the water from my family, but now. . .that only means that I can't share with them the steps I've taken. I honestly don't think anyone could understand the feeling of victory or accomplishment when I am able to walk away from it. To set it down for hours at a time. And the rare occasion that I leave it at home.

I still get anxious, I still have panic attacks, and when that happens I still want to be able to grab the bottle. If not for anything more than to feel the coolness against my skin.

I got the bottle, because I hope that when I grab it-when I'm feeling anxious, or panicked, or worried-I'll see what's written on it, and I'll remember. I'll remember that whatever I'm facing, whatever has me anxious, or panicked, or worried, or stressed. . .that it's nothing compared to the one who gives me strength.

I didn't write this post to jab at my family, I didn't write it so they'd see it and feel bad, I didn't even write it because I was upset. I wrote it because maybe, maybe there is someone reading this and feeling like I used to. Feeling like those around you just don't understand, and like you can't talk to them at all. Not to share your pains, and not to share your victories. But there is no reason to feel alone when fighting a battle like this one. Because you're not alone.

You have a family that loves you, and if you'd open up to them you'd be surprised at how understanding they can be. You have friends who, if they're true friends, will think the same way. And most importantly, you have the One Who created you. The One Who is stronger than any panic attack, or feelings of nervousness, or embarasemt. And The One Who will hold you through all of it, if only you'll let Him.

Discouragement

Discouragement sucks, trust me, I've had to face it about 50million times. (Ok, probably not that many....but you know what I mean.) And when you have anxiety, any aspect of disappointment or "failure" in you're anxiety, it can feel like the end of the world-making it difficult to see why you should continue fighting it at all. But the thing is.....it doesn't last long afterwards.

Sure. During the attack it's the worst thing in the world. You feel helpless and you want to scream-wondering why God would plan it for you to have to deal with it. Or worse, feeling that with every attack-that you can't really control at all-you tell God "no, I don't trust you."

But what about after? What about when you wake up the next morning? Do you still fell that way?

I don't.

Yes, with every attack I feel more discouraged, but that gives me motivation to fight harder and longer. 

But I also understand that discouragement, after seemingly so long with no "setbacks".....can really suck.

Last night, for example.

When I came home from work, I was sick to my stomach. I tried hard to eat, but couldn't get past a bite or two.

While I was trying to watch a movie with my family and my sisters friend, I suddenly had to get up. I went to my room and paced.

Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth... Trying to get the physical sensations to go away.

Mentally I was fine. I wasn't scared of anything, but I was tired, stressed, hot, and ticked off due to something earlier in the day. I ended up sitting on the floor in my closet, bawling my eyes out into my pillow. And to top off the embarrassment and frustration, my dad walked in on me. So I had to explain to him what was going on. I hate that. I hate having to explain crap like that. Because no matter how many times it happens, if I am around people, I am going to be embarrassed.

I was so discouraged , disheartened, that as soon as I could I crawled into bed with no intention of speaking to anyone until morning.

And ya know what? Morning. Came.

I got up, got ready, and went to work. 

I was still discouraged, I was still sad, but I was more determined to fight like heck for what I want.

Freedom from my Anxiety. 

VBS

 This week my church did a VBS, and honestly it's been the most fun I've had in a long time. Though I am Also more exhausted than I've been in a LOOOONG time. But it was completely worth it. And I mean completely.

I helped my older sister, Jenny, in her class. We had kids aged 4-5. We only ever had about 7 kids at most, so it was much easier than the years when we've had close to 20.

Every day we would start downstairs for group music time and worship time and the penny war! The girls won 3 times to the boys 2.

I was a member if the "Not-So-Secret Secret-Agent Dance Team" (try sayin that three times fast!) and it was amazing to be able to help lead the kids in the fun worship songs. It was also very tiring. Hahaha

Then it was upstairs for craft, bible lesson, snack, and activities! There wasn't a moment of down time for these toddlers-or their teachers for that matter!!

Last year, during VBS, was when I started challenging myself with leaving my water bottle behind, putting it in a place where it was accessible, but not toting it around every place I went. I even went as far as leaving it in my grandmothers car, and she was only there to drop us off and pick us up.

But, I countered my efforts when I always had a cup of koolaid or lemonade nearby.

This year has been different. I've already been better about the bottle. No longer do I have to double check every time I leave the house if the water is ice cold. Most of the time I don't, I just grab it from wherever it may be-usually laying in my purse already-and go.

This year for VBS I promised myself I wouldn't tote it around. It wasn't a conscious promise-I just didn't really want to. And I didn't feel like I needed to.

So my bottle sat in my purse, up in a cubbie, from the time I got to the church-about 8:15am-to the time I left-about 12:30.

I even went to my sisters for the day, an unplanned day of sister time so I could help her, without thought to the bottle. I also went out with the youth group one day, also without a thought to the water. 

Using VBS as a yearly marker, I can see progress that I couldn't see before. It made me realize that though I'm not where I'd like to be-free from the bottle and the security item it's become-I am closer now than I've ever been.

I can't explain how the connection to the bottle happened, and quite honestly, I've been teased and scoffed at enough...that I've given up on trying. 

And I can't explain the feelings of accomplishment that I have when I manage to take another step forward. In my mind, they are insignificant to anyone but me, so it's very hard for me to share them with anyone. Yet it's so hard to keep them to myself.

So it's been awesome to see this week as a Mark of success. And who knows, maybe by next year...I won't even need the bottle! I don't know if that will ever happen. But I know that with God, all things are possible. I mean, I've come this far, right!

Concert

Sooo....I meant to write about this sooner, but I just neve had time to sit down an do it.

Earlier this month, Cheryl took my sister and I to a concert. I was nervous, but the fact that I wasn't panicked surprised me. I was scared, yes, but able to function normally. I even left my water in our seats when we went to change into our new "This is gonna make you stronger" t-shirts.

I really enjoye myself. It was nice to sit and enjoy the music...when we were sittin that is. Several times we were literally dancing in the aisles and it was amazing. A night full of worship, talking, laughter, tears, and praise.

This entry is a short one, but it is one that seems important. Concerts are one of the things that I promised myself I would avoid. All the people, the closed space, confinement, and loudness...it's almost like asking to have a panic attack. But this one was smaller, and a good solid step for me, I think. 

I am so thankful for a Spiritual Mom who loves me enough to pull me out of my comfort zone (despite my protests or reluctance) to show me that the world isn't always as scary as I make it out to be.

I have a job??

Hi! So it's been forever since I've been on here, and I feel really bad about it. I was going to write a post about the Lockout in March, but decided against it.

Short version: I sang at the lockout! I cried two separate times in the hours leading up to it, scared out of my head, but I did it! I also thankful for the strength that Christ gives me. Because without Him that would never have happened.

While we are on the subject of His strength, holy moly have I needed it lately!

I got a job two weeks ago and things have been slightly crazy since. It was exciting for two days, but once I got I to the routine it lost it's...I don't know...sparkle? Could it have sparkled? It's just McDonalds. Lol!

It's still fun when the store isn't empty and when there's not 20 orders at a time though. I do enjoy it.

I am thankful that God has helped me, even though since I've got the job I've slacked off in my personal Bible reading. :-/

I'm working on getting better at keeping it up. I've realized several times that I am at my weakest and my mind at it's darkest when I am at my furthest from Him.

As far as work goes, it's a good job. I get a decent amount of hours, and they are very flexible. So that's a huge plus considering everything ELSE I've got going on.

I am kind of proud of myself because at work I don't have my water. I mean it's there in my bag or in the crew room, but I go hours without it. And I don't even think much of it. I haven't had much major anxiety at work yet, so again I am thankful.

I'm making friends, an hoping to be a testimony to the people there, even though I sometimes have to be very careful if what comes out of my mouth or flows through my fingers on the keyboard now. I hear more language than I am used to, and I think that's the only major thing that I dislike about the job.

Anyways, I wanted to get this post up because I wanted a whole post dedicated to the job thing before tomorrow. Tomorrow I go to my first concert in...4 years? Something like that. Scared is an understatement! Lol

But it'll be good. And I'll share how it goes later.

My Mom

This is a picture of my mom and I, taken about a month before she died. (May 2008) She's beautiful, isn't she?

I've recently been learning that I'm more like her than I used to think. I was actually told the other day that I take after my dad physically, but inside I'm all mom. After that conversation...it's now more than ever that I just wish I could sit down with her for an hour and talk.

Apparently this anxious thing is in my blood.

No one has said anything about her having panic or anxiety attacks, but apparently she was a worrier too. She stressed over details, over small awkwards, or over what people thought. Looking back, I don't remember her talking too much about it, but that was probably because she didn't want to make us kids worry.

Knowing that she struggled with some of the same things I do, albeit on different levels...it presents so many questions I want to ask, and some important things I wish I'd said while she was here. 

I miss her. I miss waking up and shushing my siblings because "we don't want to wake mommy up!". I miss waking up and seeing her with a different hair color. I miss her smile and her laugh. I hardly remember her anymore, and I hate that.

There are still nights when I'll cry myself to sleep asking God "why?" But I also know that I wouldn't be who I am today if she were still here. I probably wouldn't have the relationships I do with Cheryl and Jennifer if she were still here

I understand that her being in Heaven now is a part of God's plan not just for me, but for our whole family, yet I still wonder what life would be like if she were still here.

Her life verse was Jeremiah 33:3 which says "Call unto me and I will answer thee an show thee great and mighty things which thou knowest not."

God knows what we don't. He sees what we can't. I trust that my life is in His hands, and I rest assured that I will see my mother again one day. No, it won't be the same, but I'll see her. I'll hug her. And that's good enough for me.

BOD Trip

I sit on the floor in my bathroom, the door locked and the radio playing loudly. My back against the wall and my head between my knees, my mind raced.

You don't really belong, you're the outsider. You really don't even deserve to wear the logo. They're going to think it's weird that you're there. You're not a part of the team, why should you be there?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two hours later I'm in another bathroom, attempting to get a grip on the anxiousness that is making me sick. I look into the mirror and can see the anxiousness in my own eyes.

I look like I've been crying. What are people going to think? What do I say if they ask?

I shake the thought away and walk back to practice. As we sing, I close my eyes and focus on worship. When I still feel sick, I find myself digging my nails into my arm. I almost don't know I'm doing it.

As soon as practice ends, my sister and I rush to meet the team. They're still waiting on a few people, so we wait with them.

I show my arm to Dylan, and his eyes bug out when he sees the tiny nail marks. "Alex!" He exclaims in his obnoxious brother voice. "Don't do that!" He turns to Jennifer. "Look!"

I shoot him a look that could kill as Jennifer says "What?" and looks at my arm which I've tried-unsuccessfully-to cover with the jacket in my arms.

"Alex, you can't do that. What has got you so anxious and nervous that you're digging your nails into your skin?" She's worded it like a joke but the concern in her voice is evident.

"I don't know, It's just me! I'm..." I didn't have time to finish because then Cheryl walked up and it was time to go. I was thankful, I didn't want to explain what I'd been thinking. quickly I put on my jacket to hide my arm better. Dylan wasn't supposed to tell Jennifer, the last thing I wanted was for Cheryl to worry.

About five minutes after we piled into the van I relaxed and put my head on Cheryl's shoulder. "How are you doing?" She asks.

"I'm alright" I say truthfully, because in that moment I am.

The anxiousness has disappeared for the most part, though the thoughts remained for analyzation later.

I still do not understand why such anxiousness plagues me before nights like tonight. It was an eye opening night of learning how we can help our community and I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

My Families

Hi!
Soo....today I want to talk about one of my biggest blessings. I have been blessed to be one girl, with TWO amazing families.
My first family, my blood family, is pretty amazing.
It's my dad, me, and my brother and sister.
On my dad's side I have Grandma, Aunt Joyce and Uncle Allan, Uncle Kevin and Aunt Marian. I also have five cousins; Kylie, Kaden, Ashtyn, Devon, and Ethan.
Admitedly, I am not as close with anyone as I would like to be, but I am thankful for the times that we get to spend together.
On my mom's side (she died when I was a little girl) I have her parents, my Aunt Jessica and Uncle Steve, and Aunt Rachel. I also have two more cousins; Cameron and Amanda.
I am closer with all of the women on my mom's side, and I am so thankful for this.
 Although I love this family dearly, this is not the family I would like to elaborate on today. I know that I am already blessed beyone belief to have such an amazing and Godly family, but God also saw fit to bless me with an amazing second family...

In my second family, I have not only a couple that I consider as second parents, but also a whole skew of "siblings" that I love to death! My "second parents" are John and Cheryl. I've written a post already about Cheryl, my Spiritual Mom.
As far as siblings...well,
Jennifer Hoover is my "Big Sister", we were placed together by a mentoring program at church, just at the time when I felt like such an outsider. My relationship with her and Grace were just what I needed at that exact time. She and her husband, Andrew, act like true siblings. Always picking on me, but always there to encourage me. They're kids, I have claimed as my own. I feel very protective over my "niece and nephew" and I love them.
Then there's Dylan, who is like a brother to me. We have become friends recently, and I love that.
Also; Liz, Kailyn, Travis, and Matthew.
Liz is older, about seven years. We're slowly getting closer, and I've actually been able to go to her with questions about anxiety. I even asked her one today.
Kailyn and I are just starting to get close, though we've known  each other for close to two years now. I don't know much about her past or her story, but I do think of her as a sister.
 Then, they're Travis and Matthew, the Weston boys! I'll admit that I had a crush on Travis for a while last year. Honestly, I'm not sure what either of them think of me, because neither will usually speak to me. But I do think of them as brothers. I worry when they're sick or hurt, just the same as I do with every member as either of my families.

I am so thankful for the amazing families that God has blessed me with. It's nearly unthinkable that one person could be so "lucky". Thank You, dear Father, for those you have blessed me with, and those You have yet to let me meet!"

Just some thoughts

They ask me "what makes you anxious about..." or "why exactly do you feel anxious when..." or "what are you anxious about." and I wish they could see that I can't answer.

I try.

I really do...but the words are never there.

How do you explain the sickness in the pit of your stomach over nothing? Or tha fact that you can not eat because of it? The shaking spells that scare you more than annoy you, and the overwhelming feeling that you just can't escape.

I wish that I would be able to be honest with them, but how can I be when I can't even be honest with myself?

It's stupid-the fact that I live like this. Afraid of anything that pulls me into an unknown.

I tell myself that it's ok, that I'm making progress. But am I? Because I sure don't see much.

Sure, if I look back to when I was little you can see the progress I've made, but what about now? Is this as far as I can pull myself? Because even now my life is one of second guessing, over planning, and one filled with fear at every unknown turn. 

Even now, I may have to say no to something that makes me anxious, even though I want to do it. Why? Because I may have yet another challenge later that night. And I know the difference between pushing myself, and setting myself up for an attack.

Tonight even I was asked what makes me so anxious about this second thing. And I can't answer. Sure, I may know the reason, but it's to embarrassing to share. It doesn't make any kind of logical sense.

I am a logical person. I don't like when things don't make sense. It bugs me...to extremes.

I really hope I don't even have to mess with it. I want to go through with the challenge I picked for myself, not the one that would be forced on me. *sighs*

Ok, other thoughts now.

I love music. I honestly know it's been one of Gods tools in helping me get through my anxiety. I have a play list on my phone of some "power songs" that I quite like.

I'm thinking of doing a post about each. :-)

2013

So I decided I want to do a post all about 2013. A "Best of/Worst of" type thing. Soooo.....here goes!! :-D

1. Favorite Memory: One of my favorite memories from 2013 is from early in June. The day before the anniversary of my moms death...I was a mess. Cheryl knew it, and actually came over to walk with me. Well, we didn't get far. We ended up sitting on the steps of a little church on my block. She wrapped her arms around me and just let me cry. She wiped my tears, and then made me laugh. It's something I won't forget.

2. Happiest Memory: Cheryl and I went for a walk. We were looking at yard sales, but ended up in the gazebo at the park. I'd just gotten my hair chopped short, and she was having fun playing with it. (She hadn't wanted me to get it cut in the first place, but she was discovering that she liked it.) I was tired, because it was the day after camp. I laid down on the bench, putting my head on her leg. She sat playing with my hair, and we continued our discussion about what I'd learned at camp and how I could keep applying it to my life now. I remember thinking, wishing, that the moment could last forever. 

3. Most Embarrassing Memory: Oh this one is easy. It was approaching Easter, I know this because we were mid perpetration for our big Easter play. I'd gone to a filming day in Nixa with Cheryl. She was in a short film being shot there. Well, I went mid-anxiety attack. I felt completely sick all the while we were driving, and not much better when we finally got there. We go into the ladies room so she can change. Well, while she was doing her makeup I began feeling nauseous and ended up getting sick right there and then. Mortification wouldn't even begin to discribe the level of embarrassment I felt. She tried to come see if I was ok, but I insisted that she go continue with her makeup while I calmed myself down.

4. Most Vivid Memory: This one is hard. I'm not sure what 2013's most vivid memory is. Hmmm...It would have to be when I sang in church all by myself. I was so terrified, but I did it! And it was fun. I couldn't stop shaking afterwards though.

5. Most Carefree Moment: This was actually in December! I went to Hobby Lobby with my family, and I was walking around all by myself...but I felt like I didn't have a care in the world! I didn't feel anxious, worried, or have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was perfect.

6. Favorite Funny Moment: Ok, so one of the funniest things of the year was when my sister scared the wits out of me, momentarily of course. She was waiting for my brother to walk down the hallway so she could scare him. Unfortunately for me, I was walking down the hall at the same time. She jumped out at us and he jumped, but I screamed at the top of my lungs and nearly threw my phone. I don't think anyone stopped laughing for a full three minutes. It took forever for us to be able to explain to my dad what had just happened. 

7. My funniest "Blond" Moment: We were driving back home from my aunts and I thought "we are homeward bound" and suddenly I remembered the name of the movie I loved as a little girl, and the title "Homeward Bound" made sense to me for the first time ever. 

8. Best "BFF" Moment: Best BFF moment was when I was watching X2 for the first time with Jalinn. There was a scene with a tornado and I said something about how my brother (who is facinated yet terrified of them) would freak out. Jalinn looked me in the eye and said "You're from Kansas, you guys should know what a tornado looks like!" ... I don't think I stopped laughing for a full five minutes.

9. Saddest Moment: I think the saddest moment of 2013, for me, was the night that I was told that I wouldn't be able to even audition for the church drama team because of something I had already committed to that I was needed in on the same night they would practice. I remember saying goodnight to Cheryl via facebook, with tears streaming down my face, and going to bed completely and totally heartbroken. I didn't talk to anyone else that night, and thankfully my family left me alone. This moment also caries over to the day of the auditions. I was at church because I had to be, and I distinctly remember walking around aimlessly, attempting to find a place where no one would see me cry. 

10: Something God has Shown Me in 2013: God has shown me several things this year!! The first one ties into #9.

It was months later, when I was backstage for yet another play. As the cast was taking their bows, I was backstage alone. And I suddenly realized that I belonged there. I didn't want to be out in front of all those people, at least not yet. I was exactly where God ment for me to be, and I was extremely glad that I was there.

Something else He showed me...I am not alone in my fight against anxiety. Yes, I have my families to fight with me, but he also introduced me to someone who struggled with it as well. And not only that, I discovered that two of my friends from church also struggle. It's been good to have conversations with them about ways to calm down or focus on something else during an attack.

And the last thing He has madeabundantly  clear...He is with me.

I know that I am never alone, no matter how overpowering the feeling. He is always with me, and He always will be. My life is in His hands, and I couldn't be more grateful.

Note: ok lol, I know a lot of these are about Cheryl, but nothing memorable/serious happens around my house. It's always when I'm around other people. The funny moments at home though are ones that I will treasure for years to come.