My First Audition

April 16th, 2016.
Cheryl shares a post about auditions for a Princess and Me Tea fundraiser.
Initially I responded with "oh, that could be cool."
But as I thought about it, and as I started working on a song, I realized that it was something that I really did want to do. About two weeks before the May 1st auditions, I officially decided that I was going to go for it. I was going to audition. It was a HUGE step, and I was nervous, but to say I was excited would have been an understatement. So as the date approached, I began to prepare.

Thursday: Started freaking out because my throat was starting to get irritated. My allergies. So I got off work and went to an all natural market to get a throat spray. Stuff tasted nasty, but worked like a charm. The next step was Walmart, for cough drops, lemon juice, and bottled water. Worked on my song, and made sure I knew all the words in ASL.

Friday: So I literally sang everything BUT my audition song, but it was good for my voice because I sang almost all day. My voice sounded pretty powerful, and it made me happy.

Saturday: PURE CRAZINESS! Still managed to find time to practice; feeling about 90% confidant. Got my nails done!
Took lemon balm at about 10:40pm. Got my toe nail polish all off about ten minutes later. It was strong! Still holding on from a friends wedding in March.
So ready for this!

Sunday: Up at Five freaking Fifty-One am.No more sleep for me.
Discovered my hair was oily, which totally screwed up the look I wanted for the audition, so I had to wash it in the sink. That's something that I don't do often. I prayed it would dry properly at church.
Also discovered I was breaking out. Yay. Me. But that's ok. I took ALL the makeup to church with me.
Supplies for the day:
Painkiller
Lemon balm
Throat spray
Lotion
Pens
Mints
Cough drops
Deodorant
Snack
Makeup
Burst
Tooth brush/paste
Water with lemon
Tissues
Fan
Book

Outfit:

8-ish am
Got my sister a coffee at McDonalds on the way to church, but was too nervous to actually get anything for myself. I wasn't;t sure if I would be able to keep it down.
Spent some time in the drama room practicing; felt confidant in my ability to do this as long as my throat doesn't do the thing it likes to do where it closes up and doesn't let me sing the first few notes properly.

9:33am
Still sick to my stomach, but the worship service was fantastic. I love singing praise to my Savior

9:38 CONCENTRATION TEST TIME
Pastor Bob's Sermon: Living on a prayer part 2. Eph 6:18
(I managed to get all the notes except two points on the first go round, and caught them the second time he went through them. I'll admit, I missed them because there was a bit of note passing between Cheryl and I as we tried to decide who was driving.

11:00am
Children's church was awesome! I love that job and was sad to leave so quickly, but I ran upstairs as soon as we were done with music so I could do my hair and makeup. Makeup was done quickly and confidently, but for the life of me I couldn't get my hair do do what I wanted it to. After about 10 minutes I gave up and let it fall naturally-with the help of a curling brush.

11:40am
And we are off! I'm nowhere near hungry, and I considered taking my lemon balm. I decided that I was going to try to go without it, but that I wouldn't get down on myself if I ended up needing it.

12:21pm
We stopped for lunch at Sonic in Ozark. I ate a little, and was really happy I was able to do so. Still no lemon balm, but we cannot seem to find the place! Up and down and up and down the same street. Finally, we asked for directions. The GPS had taken us in the oposite direction! Stupid thing. . .

12:45pm
WE FOUND IT!
And now Hayleah is going to audition too! I'm so excited because I think it would be amazing if she, Mikayla and I all got parts. Oh, and Olivia too! I was excited to see her there. We ended up using the same audition song. . .lol oops! Oh well, no competition between friends ;)

1:38pm
My name was called. I was so nervous! But I walked in and rocked it. I made eye contact with each person in the room at least once, and my voice didn't crack at all! I missed a sign or two, but I think I covered well enough.
When they asked me to stay I thought I might faint. I was so wanting to hear those words, and I didn't realize how much so until I actually heard them. I was extatic!
I walked out shaking and sweating a bit, but it was so worth it.

1:43pm
The waiting game begins!
Cheryl, Lisa, Olivia, Hayleah, Mikayla, and I sat or stood around two tall tables with four chairs and killed time waiting. Hayleah was the last name on the list (because of her last minute sign up) so she spent the majority of her time pacing up and down the hallway and standing my the door waiting with the other girls. Numbers slowly dwindled, but I didn't notice until Hayleah came out. We all kind of looked up and saw several girls still hanging around. We all realized that we were now waiting for callbacks. We visited and chuckled a bit before they came back out of the room and called names. All but two of us were called. All of them brunettes.
The blond and I sat in the hallway and nervously debated what could be up as we watched the other girls walk in a circle doing the "princess wave".
When they came back out we all ended up in a circle talking, trying to figure out what was going on. We also found out, quite by accident, that everyone had come straight to the audition from church. I found it awesome that all of us still there had something in common-our faith. Be they different, from the churches listed I was able to determine that we all held a like faith. And that made me smile.
Not long after, the blond and I were called in! Along with three brunettes. Olivia was with me! I was slightly relieved.
All was silent until one of us said "hi!" and everyone laughed. Nerves dissipated as we looked at each other and smiled, waving to each other and imaginary children as laughter filled the room and our circle got smaller and smaller.
Several of us were given dresses and sent to try them on. It felt unreal as I walked down the hallway carrying a bag that was almost bigger than I was, going to try on a real princess dress! I was on cloud nine.
The three of us in the same bathroom decided that we were going to turn it into a dressing room.
The dress was breath taking, and in three pieces. Thankfully, I knew how to put on a hoop skirt thanks to Cheryl. I was in the dress in no time, and walking down the hallway of the Ozark community center while holding the sides together. Cheryl's face was full of a Mother's pride. As they were making sure everything fit correctly, she was off to the side taking pictures.
I was in too much of a haze to care. I was in the Anna dress. I couldn't believe it.
When I went back to take it off, I ended up having more trouble than I expected trying to get the top off. They'd laced it tighter than it had been earlier. I had to have Cheryl come in and help me get it over my head!
After that, I was free to go with the promise of an e-mail in a week or two, letting me know if I got the part.

May 6, 2016
I was backstage for Class Act, checking my e-mail while I waited for the show to start. When I saw the message, I gasped loudly. The kids around me jumped up and asked if I was alright. I was in shock, and when I finally answered I couldn't contain my excitement. I had been offered the part of Anna! I was shaking. I knew I had to tell Cheryl.
I asked John right away if I could come over after the last show that night, and then anxiously awaited the end of the night. Even in my excitement, I was able to focus on the show that night and it went over with minimal complications.
I dropped my brother off in our driveway, and had to keep myself from speeding over to Cheryl's. I was shaking, I was so excited. It was finally sinking in.
She knew the second I walked in the door. I didn't even have to knock. They saw me walking up and waved me in. We laughed and cried, and she got that look of pride in her eyes again.
I am beyond excited about this opportunity.
Two years ago, heck even one year ago, I would never have been able to do anything like this.
I could drive down James River Freeway and point out the exact places where I've had panic attacks on the way to Ozark, and recognize landmarks that brought back memories of attacks once we're off JR. I couldn't even think of going to Nixa, let alone Ozark, without an intense feeling of anxiety taking over me.
Yet in these past years God has given me many many opportunities to face my fears and stretch myself to and past my limits. Sometimes I broke, sometimes I still do. But I get back and, through God's strength, I put myself back together and try again.
2016 is shaping up to be a very exciting year, with many past and future chances to grow and have new experiences that I never dreamed were possible.
I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me.

Long Overdue

Ok, so this was written at the end of June of this year. I thought I had deleted it, but found it on my computer today. I don't really feel that it needs much explaining, so...here it is.

Two major things have gone down in the past month, and to be honest I am very proud of myself for taking the steps that I did. Well, actually, I'm thankful. Because while I say that I am "proud of myself", I realize that I never would have been able to accomplish these tasks without God's hand holding me firmly up.
I was so nervous about taking a trip to Branson with Cheryl that I was unable to eat more than a few crackers before we left at nearly 5pm that evening, and yet I was shocked when we made it all the way to the hotel and I hadn't had an attack.
We got changed and ready for our show and made our way to the theatre. I was so excited, and we were right smack on the front row! I could have exploded from happiness. I was devastated-along with the many children that were dressed up for the show-to discover that because of an accident, the show had been canceled. So we waited in line to get the tickets exchanged and then went back to the hotel to change. Since we had time we didn't think we'd have, we decided to swap nights and go to the landing to see the fountain show.
While we were there we scoped out some places we could go the next day, including an old time photo shop. That, we made a mental note of to return the next morning. It wasn't until we were standing and watching the light show that my anxious thoughts started to catch up with me. I remember looking over at her and thinking something like "we are in Branson. We are an hour away from home. I'm not going home tonight." And that is when the anxious feelings started to take hold.
I was thankful that as we started back towards the car that it started to rain. It helped me to relax a bit, and I had fun running around getting wet. Cheryl just laughed because she'd never seen me stop and just look up in the rain before.
I was ok in the car, we listened to music and had a grand old time as we waited in traffic to get around an accident on the roundabout. It wasn't until we got back to the hotel, and in the elevator, that I realized and acknowledged what I was feeling. Immediately upon entering I set my purse on a shelf and started searching for my lemon balm extract. I found it and quickly poured it, but it was several minutes before I was able to actually take it. I as afraid of taking it and then throwing it right back up.
I paced around for several minutes, even running to the bathroom in fear, before I finally felt like I would be able to keep it down.
Taking that always has an odd effect on me. I don't think it's the balm itself, but more of just knowing that I've taken something. It feels different, like it could possibly backfire, and usually takes around ten to fifteen minutes before I feel like I have complete grasp on myself again.
In those minnutes that night I paced back and forth and tried to talk and laugh with Cheryl, and she was so caring and gentle. We sat on the bed and she brushed my hair, and then we sat on the couch and just talked and rested. She put her arm around me and let me just rest my head on her shoulder, doing her best to keep things "mellow and relaxed" as she said later. I could have fallen asleep right there, but I knew that if I did she wouldn't have wanted to move and wake me.
When we finally did go to bed, I was so tired. I plopped down knowing that I wasn't going to sleep and fully accepting of that fact. I laid in bed and just thought and imagined, dozing for a few minutes here and there. I was so happy when morning finally rolled around and Jalinn came up.
We ate and then walked around campus as she showed us her new world. It was nice to have a visual of the places she'll tell me about.
When she finally had to leave for work, Cheryl and I packed up our things and from into town for a day of shopping.
At the Landing, we got our pictures taken in an old time photo shop and went to get my ear pierced. On a whim, Cheryl got hers pierced too! It was a very cool experience to share with her.
As we continued to walk around, we happened to be passing the fountain as the water show started. It was the national anthem.
We stopped and respectfully placed our hands over our hearts, but as I watched the water, her focus was on something else.
An elderly gentleman had been sitting on a bench, but stood at attention as the song began to play. When it ended, he sat back down. We walked over to him and saw on his hat that he was in the Vietnam war.
We both shook his hand and told him we were thankful for his service to our country. His eyes filled with tears as he thanked us for coming up to him. This was by far a highlight of our day.
After eating lunch at a Greek place, we continued to shop at a couple of old stores and then the Tanger outlets. We both found several things we liked, and were completely worn out by the time we arrived at the restaurant for dinner.
I ended up having a panic attack that started during dinner and lasted well into the first act of "The Little Mermaid". In spite of how I was feeling and all the fleeting thoughts that ran through my mind, I was able to stay focused on the fact that it was /only/ a physical reaction to a situation wrongly perceived by my body.
We sat in the back of the theatre where I was able to stand and pace around until the show started. It was so difficult to sit still, but I managed to let myself get lost in the magic of it all. I felt like a small child as I watched with eyes full of wonder.
I fell asleep on the ride home, a fact of which I am slightly embarrassed. It was late, it had been a long day, and I was supposed to have helped Cheryl stay awake. I really only thought I'd been asleep for a few minutes, but when I woke up we were on familiar roads.
The weekend was amazing, everything included, and I am so blessed.
The second thing was camp. But more about that in my next post. 

Anxiety Verses and Songs

This might be slightly long, but I make no apologies. ;) I do however want to stress that the commentary on these verses is all solely my opinion and what I get our of each verse and that this is nowhere near an exhaustive list. I hope that these verses and songs are a help to anyone else who, like me, must face this challenge on a daily basis.

I opted to put the verses in the order in which they appear in the scripture, simply because if you decide to look them up for yourself it will be easier to find them all if they were in that order.

Bible Verses for times of anxiety and fear:

Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."
    What cold be cooler than knowing the LORD, the God of all creation, is fighting for us? What could be more comforting than knowing that He will protect us if we turn our worries and our dears over to Him. He can and will do it all, if we let Him, and all we have to do is be still.

Psalm 118:5-8 "Out of my distress I called on the LORD; the LORD answered me and set me free. The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? The Lord is on my side as my helper; I shall look in triumph on those who hate me. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man."
    'better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.' admittedly that's harder for me. It's easier to trust the people around me that I can see, touch, and hold a conversation with. It's hard to trust in God when you can't see Him. But it's also amazing to realize that He did set us free. He set us free from sin, why can we be so unwilling to let Him set us free from fear? I like to hang on to my worries, somehow it helps me feel in control. But I have to realize that I was never in control anyway.

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."
    How easy is it to take our life into our own hands when we don't understand what's happening? We act like Sarah, trying to force God's hand, when we need only be patient for a little while longer. If we recognize and acknowledge that Christ is in charge, He will make it clear His plan for us.

Isaiah 41:10 "10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
    I really like this one, and stumbled upon it a couple of weeks ago. It's amazing that He tells us to "fear not". God doesn't want us to be afraid, He wants us to take our fears to Him. He will give us strength to face them, but He will also hold us in the palm of His hand, protecting us from the works of the devil who lives to make us stumble.

Jeremiah 32:27 "Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me?"
    What is too hard for God? Can you tell me one thing that is too hard for Him? This one is heard for me to wrap my mind around because currently I find myself watching a situation unfold and wondering if He is strong enough. Because the whole thing just seems like the most hopeless situation that I've ever encountered. Yet at the same time I know that there is nothing that is too hard for Him. That in His time, the reason for this will make itself known.

Lamentations 3:21-24 "But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion" says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."
    If I hadn't put the verses in the order I did, these would have been where I started. When I am in the midst of panic, feeling like there is nothing I can do to stop it, I call to mid the fast that His love never stops. His love for me is not on hold because of my momentary panic. His faithfulness is new every morning, every. single. day. He is faithful to be our rock in times of trouble.

Matthew 6:25-34 "“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
    I think that this passage is very self explanatory. God cares so much for us, He will always provide us with what He knows we need right at that very moment. Be it courage/strength/comfort, or money/food/shelter.

Philippians 4:6-7 "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanks giving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Him Who strengthens me."
    DO NOT BE ANXIOUS. Take your requests to God. Talk to Him, and don't be afraid to be honest. Tell Him how you feel, tell Him if you are upset, sad, or just mad! You'll feel better because you've taken it to Him. He will give you the peace that you need if only you ask and belive. You can do anything when you have Him on your side.

Now, onto the music :)

I have broken this list of songs up into three categories. 1) Songs For Attacks, 2) Songs For Times Of Anxiousness, and 3) Songs For When You Are Upset Or Discouraged. Songs for attacks are the songs that I have found the most  helpful with calming myself down OR FOCUSING MY THOUGHTS ELSEWHERE when I am in the midst of panic. I would suggest swapping them out whenever possible,depending on what you need each unique time. Because sometimes listening to them when you have blasted them during other attacks can be counterintuitive. Songs for when you are anxious, are specifically for the times when you feel scared but you are not in the midst of an attack. They work wonders for me when I just feel on edge because most of them help me to calm down or focus my thoughts elsewhere. I debated for a bit about if I should include the last category, but I know that discouragement is not something that I struggle with alone. So lastly I have included a list of songs that I listen to when I am feeling down or angry that I have to deal with this. For when I feel like I just want to give up. I hope they are helpful to you! God Bless!! <3

Songs for Attacks:
Steady My Heart (Kari Jobe)
Press On (Mandisa)
Overcomer (same)
Need You Now (Plumb)
5 Minutes At a Time (Superchick)
Hold (same)

Songs for times of anxiousness:
Victorious (Mandisa)
Steady My Heart (Kari Jobe)
Take My Hand (Lindsey McCall)
What I Know (Tricia)
Constant (Francesca Battistelli)
Don't Miss It (same)
Strangely Dim (same)
Giants Fall (same)
Find Rest (same)
Run to Jesus (same)
Control (JJ Heller)
Save Me (same)
Keep You Safe (same)
Strong Enough (Matthew West)
Our Hope Endures (Natalie Grant)
Have Your Way (Britt Nicole)
Safe (same)
Breakthrough (same)
Hold (Superchick)

Songs for when you're upset or discouraged:
Day One (Matthew West)
Skyscraper (Demi Lovato)
Daughter of The King (Tricia)
Get Up (superchick)
It's On (same)
Me Against the World (same)
One More (same)
What Scars are For (Mandisa)
Stronger (same)

(taken from writerdoinglife on Wordpress)

Crashes and Comebacks

For anyone who has anxiety, I'm sure the term is not unfamiliar. Or if it is, you  have your own term for it. Relaps, falling back, whatever. I call it a crash. The span of time after a major attack when I am more susceptible, therefore having more. For me, the longest it's lasted has been a week, maybe two. But within that week I can have panic attacks daily. Usually though I get a break and have at least one good day.

My most recent crash started on Valentines Day. I went to bed anxious, and woke up sick to my stomach. I'd really hoped that it would go away, but after three hours that hope had vanished. It wouldn't go away in time for me to actually go out and enjoy the plans I'd made for the day. So I cancled them. Plans I had been looking forward to for a month. (side note: that is something that I really hate about anxiety. I cannot count how many times I have backed out of plans or flat out cancled on somebody because i was having a panic attack-or worse, I was scared I would have one)

Valentines was a Saturday. I had attacks the following Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. By Saturday, I was so far past fed up that I simply refused to let the anxiousness in my stomach grow to the point of an attack. And I ended up being mostly fine. Yes, I was anxious most of the night, but I had a good time with my Second Family.
Today marks two weeks since that "crash" started, and I am proud to report that it's been at least four days since I've had a panic attack. And that's great, because I was fully expecting to have one this weekend at a concert I went to with the Drama Team. I was anxious most of the night, and more than once I was scared I could feel one coming on, but by God's grace I made it through :-)

Crashes are the most discouraging thing in the world, because you can be doing so well and then *wham*, everything gets turned on it's side for a while. While everything is sideways it can be hard to remember that eventually-and probably sooner than what we think-will soon be right again. It's hard to remind yourself that "this too shall pass" and that everything will be ok again sometime very soon. But sometimes, especially for me, crashes come right before a "comeback". After a crash, I realize that I really am ok. I'm not dying, it's not slowly getting worse, and everything has righted itself again. After a crash I feel more confidant, because I know that though, yes facing that sucks more than I could ever describe, I can make it through. And if I can live through what feels like having a heart attack while sick with the stomach flu, what can I not survive.
And I'm not saying that I feel that way based on ME. I feel that way because I know that God has brought me through once again. He never fails me. No matter what I go through, no matter how many doubts the devil throws at me, I know that God is always with me. I know that I am in His hands, and that He will never forsake me in my time of need.

Two Posts in One Week???

Ok, so I posted this on my writing blog because it was more of a writing exercise. But I decided that I wanted to put it here too. Sooooo. . . .here ya go I guess

(From Justanotherwriterwriting.blogspot.com )

Pinterest Prompt

Ok, so the other day I was in a bit of a funk, feeling really down for verious reasons. So I got on Pinterest. And I saw a few pins, and decided I would try something. Write as much as I could using one, and then move to the next one, being they were all somewhat related, and this is what came from it.

It's not necessarily happy, actually it's probably more angry. But here is is. It doesn't have a name. Sorry.

"We have anxiety. This is a very real thing that most people don't understand or even recognize. We have a chemical imbalance in our brains, much like a diabetic has a chemical imbalance in their body. We did not ask for this illness, just as the diabetic did not ask for theirs. Yet somehow society has deemed it acceptable to stigmatize us for ours-calling us crazy-while showing compassion for the other.

Some would say that's it's wrong to compare the struggles we face due to our illness to those of the people battling cancer, or diabetes, or a heart condition. (Which are all, for the most part, invisible illnesses). Because after all, those can be fatal. And I don't disagree. But before saying that anxiety (or depression, bi-polar, OCD, SAD {social anxiety disorder},  GAD {generalized anxiety disorder})isn't fatal. . .try taking a look at the suicide statistics for the past few years.

You feel sympathy-even empathy-for those batteling with very real illness like cancer, diabetes, or fibromyalgia. Illness that we all recognize as real, painful, and life altering or even threatening. But what about those who fight against an illness just as strong in their minds? Who celebrate a victory just by pulling themselves out of bed in the morning. By going to work. By managing to have a social life. If you could only see and understand what really goes on inside our minds-think and feel what we do daily-then maybe you'd understand why we're always so tired and drained. But you can't, because we don't let you. We push people away to protect them from the wilderness that is our minds. And until you crawl around and see the darkest, deepest corners of our minds, you will never understand how it feels to deal with this every. single. day.

Have you even had a panic attack?

Have you ever felt your heart begin to pick up pace, and had that light headed feeling that's about halfway between feeling like you're gonna faint and feeling like you're gonna die?

What about the nausea? Have you ever randomly thrown up-or even passed out-because the terror you're feeling is too overwhelming for your body?

If you haven't experienced it for yourself, you will never understand how it feels to suddenly be struck with this overwhelming sense of panic and fear. What it's like to be so scared of doing something that you literally can't eat or sleep, and you find yourself shaking and crying. And you will never understand how frustrating, discouraging, and depressing it is. How worthless it can make you feel.

And what's worse? The anxiety makes you believe that you are worthless. It leaves no room for questions, and says there is noting you can do about it.

Anxiety is something that is very real. It's not something to be looked down on or stigmatized. The more you tell us things like "there's nothing to worry about", "just calm down" or "stop worrying, it'll be fine", the worse we feel in the moment. Because trust this-we know. We know there is no real reason for us to be feeling that way. We realize that eventually we will be fine. And we hate what we are feeling.

So, in the mean time, hold our hand.

Get us out.

Pull us to the side so we can do what we do best.

Wait it out, and continue on."

Here I'd like to add, sometimes it may not seem like we know what we're doing when we're "waiting it out". Attacks are terrifying and come with a whole slew of physical symptoms, and everyone has their own way of coping and waiting it out. For me, it's pacing. I can't sit still, no matter how completely exhausted I am. After a bad one, I'll sleep for hours.

When my friends are around, I know I freak them out. And I hate it. I do my best to explain that I'll be fine, and explain what I'm feeling, but I can tell that most of them aren't sure what to think or do.

And that's ok. Because even though it's a great comfort to have someone around-talking, distracting, or praying-I have gotten through countless attacks alone with God.

My crash, Invisibility, and this Weekend

Ok, so none of the topics are long enough for a full, decent length post, so I combined them. This one may be a bit disorganized. Sorry guys! (and gals) <3 

Invisibility:

Anxiety really is an invisible illness. Unless you know a person well or recognize their body language, it can be nearly impossible to detect if something is wrong. So often, it's second nature for us to plaster a smile on our face and pretend like nothing's wrong. Praying that no one takes the time to really look us in the eye. Because as much as we feel like we want someone to notice, we also don't. We don't want people to see; don't want them to know that we are freaking out over nothing. Or over something small.

It's one of the most embarrassing things in the world—knowing that there is literally nothing that we should be worried about, and get feeling like we are going to pass out. Or have a heart attack. Or-and no, this isn't an exaggeration-drop dead. It's not fun to be halfway convinced that you're gonna die this time. It's like your mind is divided, one half has you believing all these lies, while the other tries so desperately to get you to hold onto the truth.

And while this battle going on inside your head, the people around you can be completely oblivious.

Grant it, body language is hard to hide. There are people in our lives-in my life-who know. They see our tells, recognize attacks while we try to push them off as something else. Anything else.

Because anything is better than admitting to having an attack when you should be calm, happy, and having fun.

Anxiety really is invisible, because although they can see what we do, they don't-they can't-see our thoughts. They can't read our minds, or feel the literal pain that we do.

Speaking purely for myself, there have been times I've wished that I could show them. That I could take their hand for just a moment during an attack, and have them know exactly what I was feeling, thinking, and experiencing. But that's selfish of me. Because honestly I am happy that those around me will never know, not really

My Crash:

It's been so long since it started, I'm afraid that I won't be able to fully explain what I want to. I waited far too long to write this, but I just didn't know how to.

It started in October. October 2014.

I had two huge attacks, though I'm not sure which was first. Over the course of the next two months, it was a roller coaster. I'd have good days, and I'd sit in the car trying to calm an attack as we drove. It was a very discouraging time. I wanted so badly to just be normal. I got so tired, and so frustrated with having to put up with the heightened anxiety and awful panic attacks. This carried on into December.

New Years Eve rolled around, and I was so proud of myself when I got home from my first New Years party. I'd made it through the whole night without having any kind of anxiety or attack. I even decided that, since I could sleep in later, I was going to watch a movie on my phone before I went to bed.

I wish I would have just slept.

Before I was halfway into the movie, I discovered that I couldn't relax. All the muscles in my body were tense. I tried pointlessly to sleep then, but to no avail.

After over an hour of pacing and trying to sleep, pacing and trying to sleep, I finally did.

I woke up, however, still feeling anxious and unwell. This feeling, of something being wrong but being unable to specify exactly what, lasted almost a week.

Thankfully though, that was all. And by the 12th, I was fine.

The end of 2014 was incredibly discouraging and disheartening for me. I very much look forward to what 2015 has in store.

This Weekend:

This weekend I feel like I did really well, all things considered.

I should preface this by saying that Wednesday night, my water bottle met with an unfortunate fate. It fell from a stone bench to concrete and shattered. Needless to say, I was far from happy. But, I have been going without it since then.

Friday night, I think I did well. I went with my aunt after work, she had to run some errands so I went with her. I didn't have my water. I did have a soda, but I didn't take it in with me everywhere we went. And I didn't have it when we drove home late that night.

Saturday was fairly uneventful, and Sunday held a challenge is avoided since age 11. Singing by myself.

I was so scared. Before I went up I was nearly in tears, and momentarily angry because I had not signed up nor asked for this.

But I did it. I shook the entire time, but I did it. And I even went to an activity after service. (Side note: I was famished by the time we finally ate, because I'd only been able to scarf down half a piece of pizza at drama rehearsal that afternoon)

All in all this weekend went well, and I'm pleased with the small steps of progress I'm taking. 

Water Bottle

This is the water bottle that I got today. It seemed, well, very. . .fitting, I guess. It's no secret that because of my anxiety I've latched onto water. And it's really no secret that you can always find it in my purse. But maybe something I've kept secret for too long. . .is how it hurts when people poke fun at the fact that I always have it. Or worse, when they say things like "I seriously doubt you're going to die of dehydration while. . ." walking next door, driving to town, taking a walk, the list goes on and on. 

I know that those phrases are not meant to hurt me, but I think that by not telling people they did, I only made it worse. Does that make any type of sense?

I feel like if I had told people-my family-at the time that hearing things like that hurt, it would have been a good step. Instead, I kept it bottled up. And that only led to me being very secretive and distrustful with my family about my anxiety and the water. I wouldn't say anything if an attack came on, I'd just disappear. I learned to be ready five minutes before it was time to go, and have the water in my purse. And maybe they knew, but maybe they didn't.

I don't think they realize that it ever hurt me. And even now, when I go to see my out of town family, I'm just as careful. A lot of the time I never let them see it. Out of my entire family, no one but those I live with have ever seen me have an attack and actually known it was happening.

And I'm not saying that I'm mad at them, or that I blame them. If I had a kid (or niece or granddaughter or cousin, etc) that struggles like I do, I wouldn't know what to do either. I would probably make the same mistakes, and some of my own. But I wouldn't want them to keep it from me if I'd hurt them. I didn't start getting better until I found someone I could talk to about it all. Someone who wasn't family, and therefore it didn't register as. . .i don't know. Threatening? A person who had never said anything to belittle how I felt or what was in my mind, a person I felt I could trust because. . .she'd never given me a reason not to. 

I did my best to hide the attachment to the water from my family, but now. . .that only means that I can't share with them the steps I've taken. I honestly don't think anyone could understand the feeling of victory or accomplishment when I am able to walk away from it. To set it down for hours at a time. And the rare occasion that I leave it at home.

I still get anxious, I still have panic attacks, and when that happens I still want to be able to grab the bottle. If not for anything more than to feel the coolness against my skin.

I got the bottle, because I hope that when I grab it-when I'm feeling anxious, or panicked, or worried-I'll see what's written on it, and I'll remember. I'll remember that whatever I'm facing, whatever has me anxious, or panicked, or worried, or stressed. . .that it's nothing compared to the one who gives me strength.

I didn't write this post to jab at my family, I didn't write it so they'd see it and feel bad, I didn't even write it because I was upset. I wrote it because maybe, maybe there is someone reading this and feeling like I used to. Feeling like those around you just don't understand, and like you can't talk to them at all. Not to share your pains, and not to share your victories. But there is no reason to feel alone when fighting a battle like this one. Because you're not alone.

You have a family that loves you, and if you'd open up to them you'd be surprised at how understanding they can be. You have friends who, if they're true friends, will think the same way. And most importantly, you have the One Who created you. The One Who is stronger than any panic attack, or feelings of nervousness, or embarasemt. And The One Who will hold you through all of it, if only you'll let Him.

Discouragement

Discouragement sucks, trust me, I've had to face it about 50million times. (Ok, probably not that many....but you know what I mean.) And when you have anxiety, any aspect of disappointment or "failure" in you're anxiety, it can feel like the end of the world-making it difficult to see why you should continue fighting it at all. But the thing is.....it doesn't last long afterwards.

Sure. During the attack it's the worst thing in the world. You feel helpless and you want to scream-wondering why God would plan it for you to have to deal with it. Or worse, feeling that with every attack-that you can't really control at all-you tell God "no, I don't trust you."

But what about after? What about when you wake up the next morning? Do you still fell that way?

I don't.

Yes, with every attack I feel more discouraged, but that gives me motivation to fight harder and longer. 

But I also understand that discouragement, after seemingly so long with no "setbacks".....can really suck.

Last night, for example.

When I came home from work, I was sick to my stomach. I tried hard to eat, but couldn't get past a bite or two.

While I was trying to watch a movie with my family and my sisters friend, I suddenly had to get up. I went to my room and paced.

Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth... Trying to get the physical sensations to go away.

Mentally I was fine. I wasn't scared of anything, but I was tired, stressed, hot, and ticked off due to something earlier in the day. I ended up sitting on the floor in my closet, bawling my eyes out into my pillow. And to top off the embarrassment and frustration, my dad walked in on me. So I had to explain to him what was going on. I hate that. I hate having to explain crap like that. Because no matter how many times it happens, if I am around people, I am going to be embarrassed.

I was so discouraged , disheartened, that as soon as I could I crawled into bed with no intention of speaking to anyone until morning.

And ya know what? Morning. Came.

I got up, got ready, and went to work. 

I was still discouraged, I was still sad, but I was more determined to fight like heck for what I want.

Freedom from my Anxiety. 

VBS

 This week my church did a VBS, and honestly it's been the most fun I've had in a long time. Though I am Also more exhausted than I've been in a LOOOONG time. But it was completely worth it. And I mean completely.

I helped my older sister, Jenny, in her class. We had kids aged 4-5. We only ever had about 7 kids at most, so it was much easier than the years when we've had close to 20.

Every day we would start downstairs for group music time and worship time and the penny war! The girls won 3 times to the boys 2.

I was a member if the "Not-So-Secret Secret-Agent Dance Team" (try sayin that three times fast!) and it was amazing to be able to help lead the kids in the fun worship songs. It was also very tiring. Hahaha

Then it was upstairs for craft, bible lesson, snack, and activities! There wasn't a moment of down time for these toddlers-or their teachers for that matter!!

Last year, during VBS, was when I started challenging myself with leaving my water bottle behind, putting it in a place where it was accessible, but not toting it around every place I went. I even went as far as leaving it in my grandmothers car, and she was only there to drop us off and pick us up.

But, I countered my efforts when I always had a cup of koolaid or lemonade nearby.

This year has been different. I've already been better about the bottle. No longer do I have to double check every time I leave the house if the water is ice cold. Most of the time I don't, I just grab it from wherever it may be-usually laying in my purse already-and go.

This year for VBS I promised myself I wouldn't tote it around. It wasn't a conscious promise-I just didn't really want to. And I didn't feel like I needed to.

So my bottle sat in my purse, up in a cubbie, from the time I got to the church-about 8:15am-to the time I left-about 12:30.

I even went to my sisters for the day, an unplanned day of sister time so I could help her, without thought to the bottle. I also went out with the youth group one day, also without a thought to the water. 

Using VBS as a yearly marker, I can see progress that I couldn't see before. It made me realize that though I'm not where I'd like to be-free from the bottle and the security item it's become-I am closer now than I've ever been.

I can't explain how the connection to the bottle happened, and quite honestly, I've been teased and scoffed at enough...that I've given up on trying. 

And I can't explain the feelings of accomplishment that I have when I manage to take another step forward. In my mind, they are insignificant to anyone but me, so it's very hard for me to share them with anyone. Yet it's so hard to keep them to myself.

So it's been awesome to see this week as a Mark of success. And who knows, maybe by next year...I won't even need the bottle! I don't know if that will ever happen. But I know that with God, all things are possible. I mean, I've come this far, right!

Concert

Sooo....I meant to write about this sooner, but I just neve had time to sit down an do it.

Earlier this month, Cheryl took my sister and I to a concert. I was nervous, but the fact that I wasn't panicked surprised me. I was scared, yes, but able to function normally. I even left my water in our seats when we went to change into our new "This is gonna make you stronger" t-shirts.

I really enjoye myself. It was nice to sit and enjoy the music...when we were sittin that is. Several times we were literally dancing in the aisles and it was amazing. A night full of worship, talking, laughter, tears, and praise.

This entry is a short one, but it is one that seems important. Concerts are one of the things that I promised myself I would avoid. All the people, the closed space, confinement, and loudness...it's almost like asking to have a panic attack. But this one was smaller, and a good solid step for me, I think. 

I am so thankful for a Spiritual Mom who loves me enough to pull me out of my comfort zone (despite my protests or reluctance) to show me that the world isn't always as scary as I make it out to be.

I have a job??

Hi! So it's been forever since I've been on here, and I feel really bad about it. I was going to write a post about the Lockout in March, but decided against it.

Short version: I sang at the lockout! I cried two separate times in the hours leading up to it, scared out of my head, but I did it! I also thankful for the strength that Christ gives me. Because without Him that would never have happened.

While we are on the subject of His strength, holy moly have I needed it lately!

I got a job two weeks ago and things have been slightly crazy since. It was exciting for two days, but once I got I to the routine it lost it's...I don't know...sparkle? Could it have sparkled? It's just McDonalds. Lol!

It's still fun when the store isn't empty and when there's not 20 orders at a time though. I do enjoy it.

I am thankful that God has helped me, even though since I've got the job I've slacked off in my personal Bible reading. :-/

I'm working on getting better at keeping it up. I've realized several times that I am at my weakest and my mind at it's darkest when I am at my furthest from Him.

As far as work goes, it's a good job. I get a decent amount of hours, and they are very flexible. So that's a huge plus considering everything ELSE I've got going on.

I am kind of proud of myself because at work I don't have my water. I mean it's there in my bag or in the crew room, but I go hours without it. And I don't even think much of it. I haven't had much major anxiety at work yet, so again I am thankful.

I'm making friends, an hoping to be a testimony to the people there, even though I sometimes have to be very careful if what comes out of my mouth or flows through my fingers on the keyboard now. I hear more language than I am used to, and I think that's the only major thing that I dislike about the job.

Anyways, I wanted to get this post up because I wanted a whole post dedicated to the job thing before tomorrow. Tomorrow I go to my first concert in...4 years? Something like that. Scared is an understatement! Lol

But it'll be good. And I'll share how it goes later.

My Mom

This is a picture of my mom and I, taken about a month before she died. (May 2008) She's beautiful, isn't she?

I've recently been learning that I'm more like her than I used to think. I was actually told the other day that I take after my dad physically, but inside I'm all mom. After that conversation...it's now more than ever that I just wish I could sit down with her for an hour and talk.

Apparently this anxious thing is in my blood.

No one has said anything about her having panic or anxiety attacks, but apparently she was a worrier too. She stressed over details, over small awkwards, or over what people thought. Looking back, I don't remember her talking too much about it, but that was probably because she didn't want to make us kids worry.

Knowing that she struggled with some of the same things I do, albeit on different levels...it presents so many questions I want to ask, and some important things I wish I'd said while she was here. 

I miss her. I miss waking up and shushing my siblings because "we don't want to wake mommy up!". I miss waking up and seeing her with a different hair color. I miss her smile and her laugh. I hardly remember her anymore, and I hate that.

There are still nights when I'll cry myself to sleep asking God "why?" But I also know that I wouldn't be who I am today if she were still here. I probably wouldn't have the relationships I do with Cheryl and Jennifer if she were still here

I understand that her being in Heaven now is a part of God's plan not just for me, but for our whole family, yet I still wonder what life would be like if she were still here.

Her life verse was Jeremiah 33:3 which says "Call unto me and I will answer thee an show thee great and mighty things which thou knowest not."

God knows what we don't. He sees what we can't. I trust that my life is in His hands, and I rest assured that I will see my mother again one day. No, it won't be the same, but I'll see her. I'll hug her. And that's good enough for me.

BOD Trip

I sit on the floor in my bathroom, the door locked and the radio playing loudly. My back against the wall and my head between my knees, my mind raced.

You don't really belong, you're the outsider. You really don't even deserve to wear the logo. They're going to think it's weird that you're there. You're not a part of the team, why should you be there?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two hours later I'm in another bathroom, attempting to get a grip on the anxiousness that is making me sick. I look into the mirror and can see the anxiousness in my own eyes.

I look like I've been crying. What are people going to think? What do I say if they ask?

I shake the thought away and walk back to practice. As we sing, I close my eyes and focus on worship. When I still feel sick, I find myself digging my nails into my arm. I almost don't know I'm doing it.

As soon as practice ends, my sister and I rush to meet the team. They're still waiting on a few people, so we wait with them.

I show my arm to Dylan, and his eyes bug out when he sees the tiny nail marks. "Alex!" He exclaims in his obnoxious brother voice. "Don't do that!" He turns to Jennifer. "Look!"

I shoot him a look that could kill as Jennifer says "What?" and looks at my arm which I've tried-unsuccessfully-to cover with the jacket in my arms.

"Alex, you can't do that. What has got you so anxious and nervous that you're digging your nails into your skin?" She's worded it like a joke but the concern in her voice is evident.

"I don't know, It's just me! I'm..." I didn't have time to finish because then Cheryl walked up and it was time to go. I was thankful, I didn't want to explain what I'd been thinking. quickly I put on my jacket to hide my arm better. Dylan wasn't supposed to tell Jennifer, the last thing I wanted was for Cheryl to worry.

About five minutes after we piled into the van I relaxed and put my head on Cheryl's shoulder. "How are you doing?" She asks.

"I'm alright" I say truthfully, because in that moment I am.

The anxiousness has disappeared for the most part, though the thoughts remained for analyzation later.

I still do not understand why such anxiousness plagues me before nights like tonight. It was an eye opening night of learning how we can help our community and I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

My Families

Hi!
Soo....today I want to talk about one of my biggest blessings. I have been blessed to be one girl, with TWO amazing families.
My first family, my blood family, is pretty amazing.
It's my dad, me, and my brother and sister.
On my dad's side I have Grandma, Aunt Joyce and Uncle Allan, Uncle Kevin and Aunt Marian. I also have five cousins; Kylie, Kaden, Ashtyn, Devon, and Ethan.
Admitedly, I am not as close with anyone as I would like to be, but I am thankful for the times that we get to spend together.
On my mom's side (she died when I was a little girl) I have her parents, my Aunt Jessica and Uncle Steve, and Aunt Rachel. I also have two more cousins; Cameron and Amanda.
I am closer with all of the women on my mom's side, and I am so thankful for this.
 Although I love this family dearly, this is not the family I would like to elaborate on today. I know that I am already blessed beyone belief to have such an amazing and Godly family, but God also saw fit to bless me with an amazing second family...

In my second family, I have not only a couple that I consider as second parents, but also a whole skew of "siblings" that I love to death! My "second parents" are John and Cheryl. I've written a post already about Cheryl, my Spiritual Mom.
As far as siblings...well,
Jennifer Hoover is my "Big Sister", we were placed together by a mentoring program at church, just at the time when I felt like such an outsider. My relationship with her and Grace were just what I needed at that exact time. She and her husband, Andrew, act like true siblings. Always picking on me, but always there to encourage me. They're kids, I have claimed as my own. I feel very protective over my "niece and nephew" and I love them.
Then there's Dylan, who is like a brother to me. We have become friends recently, and I love that.
Also; Liz, Kailyn, Travis, and Matthew.
Liz is older, about seven years. We're slowly getting closer, and I've actually been able to go to her with questions about anxiety. I even asked her one today.
Kailyn and I are just starting to get close, though we've known  each other for close to two years now. I don't know much about her past or her story, but I do think of her as a sister.
 Then, they're Travis and Matthew, the Weston boys! I'll admit that I had a crush on Travis for a while last year. Honestly, I'm not sure what either of them think of me, because neither will usually speak to me. But I do think of them as brothers. I worry when they're sick or hurt, just the same as I do with every member as either of my families.

I am so thankful for the amazing families that God has blessed me with. It's nearly unthinkable that one person could be so "lucky". Thank You, dear Father, for those you have blessed me with, and those You have yet to let me meet!"

Just some thoughts

They ask me "what makes you anxious about..." or "why exactly do you feel anxious when..." or "what are you anxious about." and I wish they could see that I can't answer.

I try.

I really do...but the words are never there.

How do you explain the sickness in the pit of your stomach over nothing? Or tha fact that you can not eat because of it? The shaking spells that scare you more than annoy you, and the overwhelming feeling that you just can't escape.

I wish that I would be able to be honest with them, but how can I be when I can't even be honest with myself?

It's stupid-the fact that I live like this. Afraid of anything that pulls me into an unknown.

I tell myself that it's ok, that I'm making progress. But am I? Because I sure don't see much.

Sure, if I look back to when I was little you can see the progress I've made, but what about now? Is this as far as I can pull myself? Because even now my life is one of second guessing, over planning, and one filled with fear at every unknown turn. 

Even now, I may have to say no to something that makes me anxious, even though I want to do it. Why? Because I may have yet another challenge later that night. And I know the difference between pushing myself, and setting myself up for an attack.

Tonight even I was asked what makes me so anxious about this second thing. And I can't answer. Sure, I may know the reason, but it's to embarrassing to share. It doesn't make any kind of logical sense.

I am a logical person. I don't like when things don't make sense. It bugs me...to extremes.

I really hope I don't even have to mess with it. I want to go through with the challenge I picked for myself, not the one that would be forced on me. *sighs*

Ok, other thoughts now.

I love music. I honestly know it's been one of Gods tools in helping me get through my anxiety. I have a play list on my phone of some "power songs" that I quite like.

I'm thinking of doing a post about each. :-)

2013

So I decided I want to do a post all about 2013. A "Best of/Worst of" type thing. Soooo.....here goes!! :-D

1. Favorite Memory: One of my favorite memories from 2013 is from early in June. The day before the anniversary of my moms death...I was a mess. Cheryl knew it, and actually came over to walk with me. Well, we didn't get far. We ended up sitting on the steps of a little church on my block. She wrapped her arms around me and just let me cry. She wiped my tears, and then made me laugh. It's something I won't forget.

2. Happiest Memory: Cheryl and I went for a walk. We were looking at yard sales, but ended up in the gazebo at the park. I'd just gotten my hair chopped short, and she was having fun playing with it. (She hadn't wanted me to get it cut in the first place, but she was discovering that she liked it.) I was tired, because it was the day after camp. I laid down on the bench, putting my head on her leg. She sat playing with my hair, and we continued our discussion about what I'd learned at camp and how I could keep applying it to my life now. I remember thinking, wishing, that the moment could last forever. 

3. Most Embarrassing Memory: Oh this one is easy. It was approaching Easter, I know this because we were mid perpetration for our big Easter play. I'd gone to a filming day in Nixa with Cheryl. She was in a short film being shot there. Well, I went mid-anxiety attack. I felt completely sick all the while we were driving, and not much better when we finally got there. We go into the ladies room so she can change. Well, while she was doing her makeup I began feeling nauseous and ended up getting sick right there and then. Mortification wouldn't even begin to discribe the level of embarrassment I felt. She tried to come see if I was ok, but I insisted that she go continue with her makeup while I calmed myself down.

4. Most Vivid Memory: This one is hard. I'm not sure what 2013's most vivid memory is. Hmmm...It would have to be when I sang in church all by myself. I was so terrified, but I did it! And it was fun. I couldn't stop shaking afterwards though.

5. Most Carefree Moment: This was actually in December! I went to Hobby Lobby with my family, and I was walking around all by myself...but I felt like I didn't have a care in the world! I didn't feel anxious, worried, or have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was perfect.

6. Favorite Funny Moment: Ok, so one of the funniest things of the year was when my sister scared the wits out of me, momentarily of course. She was waiting for my brother to walk down the hallway so she could scare him. Unfortunately for me, I was walking down the hall at the same time. She jumped out at us and he jumped, but I screamed at the top of my lungs and nearly threw my phone. I don't think anyone stopped laughing for a full three minutes. It took forever for us to be able to explain to my dad what had just happened. 

7. My funniest "Blond" Moment: We were driving back home from my aunts and I thought "we are homeward bound" and suddenly I remembered the name of the movie I loved as a little girl, and the title "Homeward Bound" made sense to me for the first time ever. 

8. Best "BFF" Moment: Best BFF moment was when I was watching X2 for the first time with Jalinn. There was a scene with a tornado and I said something about how my brother (who is facinated yet terrified of them) would freak out. Jalinn looked me in the eye and said "You're from Kansas, you guys should know what a tornado looks like!" ... I don't think I stopped laughing for a full five minutes.

9. Saddest Moment: I think the saddest moment of 2013, for me, was the night that I was told that I wouldn't be able to even audition for the church drama team because of something I had already committed to that I was needed in on the same night they would practice. I remember saying goodnight to Cheryl via facebook, with tears streaming down my face, and going to bed completely and totally heartbroken. I didn't talk to anyone else that night, and thankfully my family left me alone. This moment also caries over to the day of the auditions. I was at church because I had to be, and I distinctly remember walking around aimlessly, attempting to find a place where no one would see me cry. 

10: Something God has Shown Me in 2013: God has shown me several things this year!! The first one ties into #9.

It was months later, when I was backstage for yet another play. As the cast was taking their bows, I was backstage alone. And I suddenly realized that I belonged there. I didn't want to be out in front of all those people, at least not yet. I was exactly where God ment for me to be, and I was extremely glad that I was there.

Something else He showed me...I am not alone in my fight against anxiety. Yes, I have my families to fight with me, but he also introduced me to someone who struggled with it as well. And not only that, I discovered that two of my friends from church also struggle. It's been good to have conversations with them about ways to calm down or focus on something else during an attack.

And the last thing He has madeabundantly  clear...He is with me.

I know that I am never alone, no matter how overpowering the feeling. He is always with me, and He always will be. My life is in His hands, and I couldn't be more grateful.

Note: ok lol, I know a lot of these are about Cheryl, but nothing memorable/serious happens around my house. It's always when I'm around other people. The funny moments at home though are ones that I will treasure for years to come. 

Frozen Attacks

{Spoilers from “Frozen”}

Ok, so if you’ll allow me to be weird for a bit, I’m going to compare Elsa’s fear of her power to anxiety attacks. I know, I know, but just bare with me...and think about it for a moment.

After she hurts Anna,  Elsa is terrified of hurting anyone again. She locks herself away and doesn’t want anything to do with people.

After discovering anxiety/panic symptoms, people tend to want to do the same. Lock ourselves in our rooms or our houses and avoid things that cause the symptoms.

At the party, she’s perfectly fine until Anna starts asking her about her power. She gets overloaded and stressed and when Anna takes her glove-and pushes her too hard-she looses control.

If you have anxiety, you can be fine one moment and then suddenly overwhelmed the next. You want to escape but-not unlike Elsa-you can’t before it’s too late and an attack sets in.

Then what do you do? It’s all you CAN do to attempt to “conceal it, don’t feel it. Don’t let it show.”

When she runs away, builds her tower, and finds her “freedom”...that’s like when we finally get away and convince ourselves that staying out of those situations is the best and easiest way to avoid the symptoms that not only hurt us, but scare us witless.

The scene between Anna and Elsa in “For the First Time in Forever (reprise)” is not only my favorite from the movie, but it speaks to me unlike many secular songs I have heard. “For the first time in forever, I finally understand. For the first time in forever, we can face this hand in hand. We can climb down this mountain together, you don’t have to live in fear. Because for the first time in forever, I will be right here.”


When I really listened to this, it made me want to cry. To know that someone it willing to stand by you, and face it with you, is a feeling unlike any other. And there was only one person for the longest time that really seemed to understand and want face it with me. It’s something that I will always be thankful for. For the rest of my life; it’s something that I will never forget.

When she discovers that love is what can thaw the winter, and can help her control her power...that’s like when we discover that hiding from it is NOT the answer, but turning to someone that loves us and wants with all their heart to understand and to help us overcome...THAT is the real way to help calm our anxious hearts.

My anxiety has been the topic of many tear filled (for her) and symptom filled (for me) conversations between me and my spiritual mother over this past year.

She wants to understand, almost as desperately as I wish she could.

And although I try my very best to explain, it’s so difficult a thing to understand if you haven’t experienced it.

But weather they can understand exactly or not, having someone to talk to-that will listen at any time of the day or night-that loves you with all their heart, like you were there own...it’s a blessing that not many have. But I am one of few, and I am so thankful. Because I know that she will always be there, no matter what.

That’s why I like to compare Elsa’s fear of her powers to my anxiety. Because love and understanding is the way to take control of both. 

Anxiety and Christmas Cookies

Ok, so for three days Id been looking forward to going to Cheryl's house to bake cookies to take to Rare Breed-an organization that works with homeless teens in and around the Ozarks.

Friday morning I woke up sick to my stomach. Completely nauseous. It was awful.

I chopped it up to drainage from the cold I'd been fighting and hoped it would go away.

It didn't.

Around 11am I was considering calling and canceling, but my dad said no.
I am so glad he did.
He hugged me tight and told me not to worry. He said that he knew that it was easier said than done, but I was just thankful that-for the first time since I was 13 years old-he didn't say "get over it" or "it's all in your head". He said "You'll be ok. YOu like Cheryl, right?" And I just laughed. I wasn't worried about cookie baking, I was anxious about the car ride I thought we were taking to Rare Breed later in the afternoon.
about 11:30 I started getting ready. I decided I was going to wear makeup. I didn't care that it was just going to be me, Cheryl, and Amanda (and Briana, I found out later), I wanted to cover up my breakout.
My anxiety was HIGH and my stomach was churning. By 12:15 I hadn't eaten a thing and decided to go outside. It was cool, and that always helped with my nerves. Besides, she would only be about another 15 minutes.
Well, after helping my sister get a tennis ball out of the gutter, I just kind of walked around and waited for her. My stomach never did completely calm down. Even after we'd been at her house for a couple of hours, it was still upset.
We made cake cookies when we got there, and several jokes about Cheryl in the kitchen-a very rare occurrence.It was a fantastic time!
We were getting ready to leave, but at the last minute we called daddy and asked him if we could stay for a couple hours longer and eat dinner there. He said yes, I was excited. That was the first time I had eaten-whoa. Whoa-whoa-whoa. Cheryl. Cheryl! I just put together the fact that last night was the first time I have ever eaten a real meal at your house. (I'm not counting OUAT night because that was more of snacking, hahaha) Dude I don't know why that makes me so happy! Hahaha

 Anyway, back to the cookies. Well, actually, we forgot about the cookies for a while. We did nails, we played card games, and laughed when Cheryl named the guy that came to fix their internet "Jimmy".
During dinner we decided to watch Cheryl's favorite movie ever filmed-Les Miserables. Briana then becamse anti-social and hid in a corner with headphones because she hates Les Mis with a passion.
I curled up beside Cheryl and watched for about half an hour before it was decided that it was time for the Smith girls had to get home.
After we dropped Amanda off and got to out house, Briana went inside and Cheryl and I sat on the porch to talk. We didn't talk long though because she was worried about me. I was in flip flops, so I was shivering. She said something about not having felt me shake like that since the day we were up in Hammons Tower and she hugged me when she saw me.
I didn't want the moment to end, because I love the feeling of being in her arms. We just sat in a hug for several minutes, talking about the day and plans for the weekend.

Confession

GOk, so since I can't sleep right now-feeling slightly symptomatic, blec-I decided to write about something that I've never talked to anyone about.

Not my dad, not my Spiritual Mom, no one.

It's something that happens the nights I find myself in the midst of an anxiety or panic attack.

During an attack, multiple things can happen, but there is a certain kind for me that trigger an illogical-and rather embarrassing-reaction.

The specific attack has to do with a certain few physical symptoms.

An ache between my shoulders, tightness in my chest, pain over and around where my heart is, sometimes accompanied by dizziness or a headache and nausea.

Whenever an attack like this sets in, it's usually for no particular reason, so of course my anxious mind immediatly has multiple ideas of what could be wrong and what could happen until I'm sure that at any moment I am going to pass out and have to be rushed to the hospital.

With this idea in mind, I begin to take inventory of what is in my purse and make sure everything I might need right away is inside.

Usually that list includes my water bottle, my phone and/or iPod and my charger.

My phone has my Bible, my notebook, reading, and is my contact to friends whom I would desperately need to talk to if I were in the hospital and scared witless.

It's an illogical method of calming myself down, but somehow..,just knowing that I have all of it together helps me to relax, however slightly.

Recently I've been trying to concentrate more on praying, singing, and reciting scripture than on packing a bag. But there is something about that feeling of just knowing in your bones that something is going to happen...and then having it be nothing.

The feeling of impending doom is one that cannot really be explained, no matter how much I wish I could.

Update: 10/17/14

Since I wrote this, I can count on one hand the number of times I've actually packed a bag. They've become so infrequent that I can't remember the last time I did. Until tonight.

It wasn't anything big, but I've been feeling sick for a couple hours. When j got home from work I slid my phone charger in my purse and have had it by me on the couch all night.

I don't understand this, the anxiety. It's becoming harder and harder to tell when I am actually sick, or when I am having an attack. 

My Second Mom

GTonight I can't sleep. So instead of waiting until tomorrow, I want to write about the woman who means the world to me. She has helped me through so much in just the past two years...you wouldn't believe.

This is her and I, just a couple of months ago. I'd had an awful panic/anxiety attack the night before this. I'd been reading the birthday card she'd given me. One of the lines was something like "we walk this bridge over the chasm of life together" and I couldn't stop the thought yes, but one of us will finish the walk first. And suddenly my mind was assaulted with pictures that I can still see in my minds eye.

A funeral. Seeing her, laying in a casket, unmoving. Just like my mother before her.

I jstarted panicking. I remembered something she'd said a while back about what she wanted done after she died. I started bawling.

I was crying, shaking, and I couldn't stop. For twenty minutes I laid on my floor, and then under the covers in my bed, crying.

Before this picture was taken, I'd hugged her and heard her heartbeat. A re-assuring sound to go with the feeling of security I had while in her arms.

Before I let go, a friend popped her head out the door to the porch of my sisters house, and said "Don't move. I'll be right back with my camera."

Well...I was happy to comply. After all, it gave me an excuse to hold on just a little while longer.

I first met her in January of 2012. We think it was the 29th, though I am not positive on the date.

We became friends. I began to trust her with things that I wouldn't trust anyone else with, and even asked a couple of questions which proved to be quite embarrassing for me. Lol

It was April, I think, when the thought "I love her" first crossed my mind. Not a weird "I love her" but an "I love her like a mom"

And this thought shook me to my core, because before this...that phrase had been used to convey emotion to only a select handful outside of my family. And all too late I realized that I had let another person I to my heart. And this...this is what scared me the most.

We became close, celebrating birthdays and girls night, and we-er, I-thought that we couldn't be closer. I was wrong.

Camp 2012: One day of that week is a day I will hopefully remember for the rest of my life.

It was an emotional week, and one night I had to talk with a counselor. I knew Cheryl had seen me go back, she'd have had to since she was sitting near the back, but when I looked up to see her waiting for me...

Until this night I had never seen her cry. I'd heard her cry, and I'd had the feeling she was crying before, but I'd never seen her. And when I did, it was like an emotional dam inside me broke. I walked over to her, and she wrapped her arms around me. I did the same. We both sobbed.

She asked what was wrong and I told her, and I relished the feeling of being in her arms. I'd so been longing for my mothers arms, and having Cheryl's around me...I felt like a little girl. I felt more safe and secure than I had in a while. And i know that mom was looking down on us and smiling.

That year was one that we grew closer. So much closer, that we'd never even imagined being able to have the hole in each of out hearts filled so.

A year-and many heart to hearts, tears, and emotional conversations later-it's a day before I have to leave for camp.

It's the day that marked five years since my mothers death. And I am terrified.

I'm always scared to go to camp, with my anxiety...I never knew what could happen. But to leave for camp on what was one of the hardest and most emotional days of the year for me...I actually vomited the Saturday before we left.

That day, June 2nd, I was crying. I was at home, bawling, and I couldn't stop. I'd been texting Cheryl and she asked if I wanted to walk. Her way of asking if I needed her there.

I said yes.

We walked around the block one time before ending up in the steps to the entrance to a church. We sat and talked. She listened, gave encouragement, held me while I wept and wiped away tears as they fell. I didn't know how to thank her. I still don't.

The fact that she was there was enough to make me cry again.

She has held my hand through panic attacks. Calmed me during times of anxiousness.

The first time I had a major attack while with her, I was at her house with several other friends for an all night marathon of a TV show we are all hooked on.

I don't know what time it was, but all of a sudden I got hot. I felt sick. And I couldn't sit still. I stood up and began to casually find excuses to walk around. Taking something to the kitchen, that kind of thing. Well, my older sister caught on quick and asked if I was ok. When I said no, she suggested I go outside.

I did.

The cool air instantly felt wonderful, but it didn't do much to calm my stomach or mind. As another wave washed over me all I remember thinking-as I gripped the porch railing-was I will not throw up in her bushes. I will not throw up on her porch. I will not throw up right now.

As I'm thinking this, and the wave is dissipating, Cheryl comes out and stands next to me.

"Are you alright?" She asks.

I nodd.

"I can call your dad if you want. It's not too late and it's only a few minutes away."

I shook my head "No" I said. The last thing I wanted to do was skipp another fun night that year due to a panic attack. It wasn't going to happen.

She put her arm around me and we stepped back to sit on the bench. I leaned into her embrace and clenched my eyes shut as another wave of sickness hit.

She sat with me until it all passed and I falsely assured her I was alright. I didn't feel sick anymore, but I still didn't feel great. But soon, all signs of attack vanished, and I was able to enjoy a night with some of my best friends.

And, later that night, something happened that I'll never forget.

She thought I was asleep-I'm sure-on the floor a few feet between her and Jalinn. She got up to put dishes away, but reached over to me. She tucked my hair, which had ended up everywhere after she brushed it, behind my ear and kissed the top of my head. 

I say all I've said, to say this.

She is exactly like a mother to me, in nearly every sense of the word. I wouldn't trade our time together for anything in the world. God has blessed us in ways we never dreamed possible.