You don't really belong, you're the outsider. You really don't even deserve to wear the logo. They're going to think it's weird that you're there. You're not a part of the team, why should you be there?
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Two hours later I'm in another bathroom, attempting to get a grip on the anxiousness that is making me sick. I look into the mirror and can see the anxiousness in my own eyes.
I look like I've been crying. What are people going to think? What do I say if they ask?
I shake the thought away and walk back to practice. As we sing, I close my eyes and focus on worship. When I still feel sick, I find myself digging my nails into my arm. I almost don't know I'm doing it.
As soon as practice ends, my sister and I rush to meet the team. They're still waiting on a few people, so we wait with them.
I show my arm to Dylan, and his eyes bug out when he sees the tiny nail marks. "Alex!" He exclaims in his obnoxious brother voice. "Don't do that!" He turns to Jennifer. "Look!"
I shoot him a look that could kill as Jennifer says "What?" and looks at my arm which I've tried-unsuccessfully-to cover with the jacket in my arms.
"Alex, you can't do that. What has got you so anxious and nervous that you're digging your nails into your skin?" She's worded it like a joke but the concern in her voice is evident.
"I don't know, It's just me! I'm..." I didn't have time to finish because then Cheryl walked up and it was time to go. I was thankful, I didn't want to explain what I'd been thinking. quickly I put on my jacket to hide my arm better. Dylan wasn't supposed to tell Jennifer, the last thing I wanted was for Cheryl to worry.
About five minutes after we piled into the van I relaxed and put my head on Cheryl's shoulder. "How are you doing?" She asks.
"I'm alright" I say truthfully, because in that moment I am.
The anxiousness has disappeared for the most part, though the thoughts remained for analyzation later.
I still do not understand why such anxiousness plagues me before nights like tonight. It was an eye opening night of learning how we can help our community and I wouldn't have traded it for anything.
