My Families

Hi!
Soo....today I want to talk about one of my biggest blessings. I have been blessed to be one girl, with TWO amazing families.
My first family, my blood family, is pretty amazing.
It's my dad, me, and my brother and sister.
On my dad's side I have Grandma, Aunt Joyce and Uncle Allan, Uncle Kevin and Aunt Marian. I also have five cousins; Kylie, Kaden, Ashtyn, Devon, and Ethan.
Admitedly, I am not as close with anyone as I would like to be, but I am thankful for the times that we get to spend together.
On my mom's side (she died when I was a little girl) I have her parents, my Aunt Jessica and Uncle Steve, and Aunt Rachel. I also have two more cousins; Cameron and Amanda.
I am closer with all of the women on my mom's side, and I am so thankful for this.
 Although I love this family dearly, this is not the family I would like to elaborate on today. I know that I am already blessed beyone belief to have such an amazing and Godly family, but God also saw fit to bless me with an amazing second family...

In my second family, I have not only a couple that I consider as second parents, but also a whole skew of "siblings" that I love to death! My "second parents" are John and Cheryl. I've written a post already about Cheryl, my Spiritual Mom.
As far as siblings...well,
Jennifer Hoover is my "Big Sister", we were placed together by a mentoring program at church, just at the time when I felt like such an outsider. My relationship with her and Grace were just what I needed at that exact time. She and her husband, Andrew, act like true siblings. Always picking on me, but always there to encourage me. They're kids, I have claimed as my own. I feel very protective over my "niece and nephew" and I love them.
Then there's Dylan, who is like a brother to me. We have become friends recently, and I love that.
Also; Liz, Kailyn, Travis, and Matthew.
Liz is older, about seven years. We're slowly getting closer, and I've actually been able to go to her with questions about anxiety. I even asked her one today.
Kailyn and I are just starting to get close, though we've known  each other for close to two years now. I don't know much about her past or her story, but I do think of her as a sister.
 Then, they're Travis and Matthew, the Weston boys! I'll admit that I had a crush on Travis for a while last year. Honestly, I'm not sure what either of them think of me, because neither will usually speak to me. But I do think of them as brothers. I worry when they're sick or hurt, just the same as I do with every member as either of my families.

I am so thankful for the amazing families that God has blessed me with. It's nearly unthinkable that one person could be so "lucky". Thank You, dear Father, for those you have blessed me with, and those You have yet to let me meet!"

Just some thoughts

They ask me "what makes you anxious about..." or "why exactly do you feel anxious when..." or "what are you anxious about." and I wish they could see that I can't answer.

I try.

I really do...but the words are never there.

How do you explain the sickness in the pit of your stomach over nothing? Or tha fact that you can not eat because of it? The shaking spells that scare you more than annoy you, and the overwhelming feeling that you just can't escape.

I wish that I would be able to be honest with them, but how can I be when I can't even be honest with myself?

It's stupid-the fact that I live like this. Afraid of anything that pulls me into an unknown.

I tell myself that it's ok, that I'm making progress. But am I? Because I sure don't see much.

Sure, if I look back to when I was little you can see the progress I've made, but what about now? Is this as far as I can pull myself? Because even now my life is one of second guessing, over planning, and one filled with fear at every unknown turn. 

Even now, I may have to say no to something that makes me anxious, even though I want to do it. Why? Because I may have yet another challenge later that night. And I know the difference between pushing myself, and setting myself up for an attack.

Tonight even I was asked what makes me so anxious about this second thing. And I can't answer. Sure, I may know the reason, but it's to embarrassing to share. It doesn't make any kind of logical sense.

I am a logical person. I don't like when things don't make sense. It bugs me...to extremes.

I really hope I don't even have to mess with it. I want to go through with the challenge I picked for myself, not the one that would be forced on me. *sighs*

Ok, other thoughts now.

I love music. I honestly know it's been one of Gods tools in helping me get through my anxiety. I have a play list on my phone of some "power songs" that I quite like.

I'm thinking of doing a post about each. :-)

2013

So I decided I want to do a post all about 2013. A "Best of/Worst of" type thing. Soooo.....here goes!! :-D

1. Favorite Memory: One of my favorite memories from 2013 is from early in June. The day before the anniversary of my moms death...I was a mess. Cheryl knew it, and actually came over to walk with me. Well, we didn't get far. We ended up sitting on the steps of a little church on my block. She wrapped her arms around me and just let me cry. She wiped my tears, and then made me laugh. It's something I won't forget.

2. Happiest Memory: Cheryl and I went for a walk. We were looking at yard sales, but ended up in the gazebo at the park. I'd just gotten my hair chopped short, and she was having fun playing with it. (She hadn't wanted me to get it cut in the first place, but she was discovering that she liked it.) I was tired, because it was the day after camp. I laid down on the bench, putting my head on her leg. She sat playing with my hair, and we continued our discussion about what I'd learned at camp and how I could keep applying it to my life now. I remember thinking, wishing, that the moment could last forever. 

3. Most Embarrassing Memory: Oh this one is easy. It was approaching Easter, I know this because we were mid perpetration for our big Easter play. I'd gone to a filming day in Nixa with Cheryl. She was in a short film being shot there. Well, I went mid-anxiety attack. I felt completely sick all the while we were driving, and not much better when we finally got there. We go into the ladies room so she can change. Well, while she was doing her makeup I began feeling nauseous and ended up getting sick right there and then. Mortification wouldn't even begin to discribe the level of embarrassment I felt. She tried to come see if I was ok, but I insisted that she go continue with her makeup while I calmed myself down.

4. Most Vivid Memory: This one is hard. I'm not sure what 2013's most vivid memory is. Hmmm...It would have to be when I sang in church all by myself. I was so terrified, but I did it! And it was fun. I couldn't stop shaking afterwards though.

5. Most Carefree Moment: This was actually in December! I went to Hobby Lobby with my family, and I was walking around all by myself...but I felt like I didn't have a care in the world! I didn't feel anxious, worried, or have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was perfect.

6. Favorite Funny Moment: Ok, so one of the funniest things of the year was when my sister scared the wits out of me, momentarily of course. She was waiting for my brother to walk down the hallway so she could scare him. Unfortunately for me, I was walking down the hall at the same time. She jumped out at us and he jumped, but I screamed at the top of my lungs and nearly threw my phone. I don't think anyone stopped laughing for a full three minutes. It took forever for us to be able to explain to my dad what had just happened. 

7. My funniest "Blond" Moment: We were driving back home from my aunts and I thought "we are homeward bound" and suddenly I remembered the name of the movie I loved as a little girl, and the title "Homeward Bound" made sense to me for the first time ever. 

8. Best "BFF" Moment: Best BFF moment was when I was watching X2 for the first time with Jalinn. There was a scene with a tornado and I said something about how my brother (who is facinated yet terrified of them) would freak out. Jalinn looked me in the eye and said "You're from Kansas, you guys should know what a tornado looks like!" ... I don't think I stopped laughing for a full five minutes.

9. Saddest Moment: I think the saddest moment of 2013, for me, was the night that I was told that I wouldn't be able to even audition for the church drama team because of something I had already committed to that I was needed in on the same night they would practice. I remember saying goodnight to Cheryl via facebook, with tears streaming down my face, and going to bed completely and totally heartbroken. I didn't talk to anyone else that night, and thankfully my family left me alone. This moment also caries over to the day of the auditions. I was at church because I had to be, and I distinctly remember walking around aimlessly, attempting to find a place where no one would see me cry. 

10: Something God has Shown Me in 2013: God has shown me several things this year!! The first one ties into #9.

It was months later, when I was backstage for yet another play. As the cast was taking their bows, I was backstage alone. And I suddenly realized that I belonged there. I didn't want to be out in front of all those people, at least not yet. I was exactly where God ment for me to be, and I was extremely glad that I was there.

Something else He showed me...I am not alone in my fight against anxiety. Yes, I have my families to fight with me, but he also introduced me to someone who struggled with it as well. And not only that, I discovered that two of my friends from church also struggle. It's been good to have conversations with them about ways to calm down or focus on something else during an attack.

And the last thing He has madeabundantly  clear...He is with me.

I know that I am never alone, no matter how overpowering the feeling. He is always with me, and He always will be. My life is in His hands, and I couldn't be more grateful.

Note: ok lol, I know a lot of these are about Cheryl, but nothing memorable/serious happens around my house. It's always when I'm around other people. The funny moments at home though are ones that I will treasure for years to come.