Masks

Last night I was able to stay the night at my church with a group of amazing women, including my Spiritual Mom, Spiritual Sister(s), and my bio sister.

The main reason for this activity was for us to talk about masks. The kind of masks that we wear in our every day life.

The strong one

The happy one

The one who has it all together.

This...is my mask

The makeup represents that I try so hard to let everyone think that I've got it all together, when really I don't.

So many things makeup can't hide.

The words written around it were added when I got home. They are...

Insignificant

Anxious

Insecure

Invisible

Small

Scarred

If someone I  didn't know were to look at me, they would never know that so much goes on inside my head that no one ever sees or hears.

And that's what I use to love. I didn't want people to see, so I held up my mask as best I could and as often as I could.

But now I have people that I trust, that I know I can open up to and let them see behind the mask. But sometimes...it's incredibly hard.

Thanks to anxiety, I constantly second guess everything I say. And if I even think for a moment that I've said something wrong...I flip out. I over analyze everything I say, and that's why it's so much easier for me to write letters explaining things than to try explaining them verbally.

But again that goes back to my mask. I let people think that I've got it all together, sometimes even when just talking about it would help, because I have to make sure it doesn't sound bad. It doesn't sound like I'm crazy. It doesn't sound like I'm insecure.

I'm working on letting the mask slide, and it has been more and more.

I'm scared, I'll admit, to let it slip too far-especially when I'm at home.

Isn't that weird? My mask slips more when I'm away from home, and stays in place more when I am home.

Maybe it's because I feel like my family doesn't need to know. Maybe it's because I feel like I have to be strong for them. Because after all, I'm the oldest. I'm my daddy's strong little girl.

The strong little girl who has the biggest weakness possible.

And...I think I wear the mask for myself. Like if I can make everyone believe that I'm alright, one day I will be.

But I'll never be alright.

Not without the guiding hand of my Daddy God in my own small one.

Masks are meant to be removed, yet how often to we try our best to keep ours up?

What It's Like for Me

Anxiety is different for every person who has it. For me...it just makes life very hard sometimes.

Usually symptoms of an anxiety attack include feeling like I am going to throw up, tightness or pain in my chest or torso, heat, and an overpowering feeling of "I have to get out of here NOW"

I'll have thoughts that only fuel the anxiety, that only make it worse. I fear that I'll have to go to the hospital.

The crippling fear that doesn't cripple you...it's unexplainable to anyone who has never experienced it.

But sometimes it's worse, and sometimes it's not so bad.

It all depends on what's going on around me and how focused I am.

Some days it's bad enough that I'm scared I'm dying. Other days I'm completely fine.

The only thing that keeps me from going off the deep end and locking myself in my room for the rest of my life is the facts that 1) I know it will end and 2) I know that God is with me.

Admittedly, it can be a daily struggle, but if I'm focused on God I know that I can win. 

A Little Bit About Me

Hi :)

My name is Alex and I'm in my third year of high school. I've struggled with anxious symptoms since is was about 11 years old.

In my next entry I'll get into more of what those are like.

For now, here's some info about me.

I grew up in small town America with my mom, dad, sister, and brother.

Just a little before my 11th birthday, my mother passed away unexpectedly. It was a shock to my entire family, and it left everyone shaken. It left me unsure of the God that I thought I'd known my entire life.

Three entire years of my life are a complete blur to me, with small details that sometimes come to mind.

About three and a half years ago is when things really started to get worse.

I'd get sick all the time. I hated going to church because I was always anxious on the 45 minute drive there, I was always anxious when I was there, and on the drive back. And this was multiple times a week.

The reason is...I was having trouble trusting God. I mean, I think I wanted to...but I was still upset that He had taken my mother from us so suddenly.

In November of 2011 my family moved from a small town in Kansas to...the Ozarks.

Needless to say, I was not especially happy with this move. But it meant a job for dad and a new start for me and my siblings...so for the most part I held my peace.

It was a long end of the year and holiday season. The days seemed to drag on and on in an endless and quite frankly boring blur. But then, Friday Febuary 24th in 2012...it all changed.

There was a youth activity, an all nighter, and I reluctantly went to please my father. That night is the night that I accepted Christ as my Saviour.

Nothing new really jumped out at me then, but as I listened and sat through the invitation I knew in my heart that I couldn't live like this anymore. Always worried and fearing death, fearing Hell. (Which is a VERY real place)

I prayed with one of the adults, and now-most of the time-I have the peace of mind and heart that I so longed for as a child.

Yes I still struggle with doubt sometimes, but I believe with all my heart that I am a child of God. His Princess to watch over and love.

Now this doesn't mean that my anxiety went away, on the contrary Satan grips me every day with anxious thoughts and symptoms. Sometimes I can overcome them-with God's help-and continue on with my plans. But sometimes...sometimes they keep me from doing the things that I love. And while those days are discouraging, the days that I manage to make it through are ones that I look back on and draw strength from.

My life changed soon after my Salvation. God brought people into my life to help me along on my new-and very unsteady-walk with Him.

My mentors, if you will, that are more than friends to me. They're family.

My Spiritual Mom and my Spiritual Sister.

I love them both, and I am learning the attributes of a good Christian from them. Learning how to be a Godly mother and wife. And learning to trust in The Lord for all my needs-both great and small.

I'm not saying that it's easy, but it's easier now that I have Christ on my side.