Discouragement

Discouragement sucks, trust me, I've had to face it about 50million times. (Ok, probably not that many....but you know what I mean.) And when you have anxiety, any aspect of disappointment or "failure" in you're anxiety, it can feel like the end of the world-making it difficult to see why you should continue fighting it at all. But the thing is.....it doesn't last long afterwards.

Sure. During the attack it's the worst thing in the world. You feel helpless and you want to scream-wondering why God would plan it for you to have to deal with it. Or worse, feeling that with every attack-that you can't really control at all-you tell God "no, I don't trust you."

But what about after? What about when you wake up the next morning? Do you still fell that way?

I don't.

Yes, with every attack I feel more discouraged, but that gives me motivation to fight harder and longer. 

But I also understand that discouragement, after seemingly so long with no "setbacks".....can really suck.

Last night, for example.

When I came home from work, I was sick to my stomach. I tried hard to eat, but couldn't get past a bite or two.

While I was trying to watch a movie with my family and my sisters friend, I suddenly had to get up. I went to my room and paced.

Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth... Trying to get the physical sensations to go away.

Mentally I was fine. I wasn't scared of anything, but I was tired, stressed, hot, and ticked off due to something earlier in the day. I ended up sitting on the floor in my closet, bawling my eyes out into my pillow. And to top off the embarrassment and frustration, my dad walked in on me. So I had to explain to him what was going on. I hate that. I hate having to explain crap like that. Because no matter how many times it happens, if I am around people, I am going to be embarrassed.

I was so discouraged , disheartened, that as soon as I could I crawled into bed with no intention of speaking to anyone until morning.

And ya know what? Morning. Came.

I got up, got ready, and went to work. 

I was still discouraged, I was still sad, but I was more determined to fight like heck for what I want.

Freedom from my Anxiety. 

VBS

 This week my church did a VBS, and honestly it's been the most fun I've had in a long time. Though I am Also more exhausted than I've been in a LOOOONG time. But it was completely worth it. And I mean completely.

I helped my older sister, Jenny, in her class. We had kids aged 4-5. We only ever had about 7 kids at most, so it was much easier than the years when we've had close to 20.

Every day we would start downstairs for group music time and worship time and the penny war! The girls won 3 times to the boys 2.

I was a member if the "Not-So-Secret Secret-Agent Dance Team" (try sayin that three times fast!) and it was amazing to be able to help lead the kids in the fun worship songs. It was also very tiring. Hahaha

Then it was upstairs for craft, bible lesson, snack, and activities! There wasn't a moment of down time for these toddlers-or their teachers for that matter!!

Last year, during VBS, was when I started challenging myself with leaving my water bottle behind, putting it in a place where it was accessible, but not toting it around every place I went. I even went as far as leaving it in my grandmothers car, and she was only there to drop us off and pick us up.

But, I countered my efforts when I always had a cup of koolaid or lemonade nearby.

This year has been different. I've already been better about the bottle. No longer do I have to double check every time I leave the house if the water is ice cold. Most of the time I don't, I just grab it from wherever it may be-usually laying in my purse already-and go.

This year for VBS I promised myself I wouldn't tote it around. It wasn't a conscious promise-I just didn't really want to. And I didn't feel like I needed to.

So my bottle sat in my purse, up in a cubbie, from the time I got to the church-about 8:15am-to the time I left-about 12:30.

I even went to my sisters for the day, an unplanned day of sister time so I could help her, without thought to the bottle. I also went out with the youth group one day, also without a thought to the water. 

Using VBS as a yearly marker, I can see progress that I couldn't see before. It made me realize that though I'm not where I'd like to be-free from the bottle and the security item it's become-I am closer now than I've ever been.

I can't explain how the connection to the bottle happened, and quite honestly, I've been teased and scoffed at enough...that I've given up on trying. 

And I can't explain the feelings of accomplishment that I have when I manage to take another step forward. In my mind, they are insignificant to anyone but me, so it's very hard for me to share them with anyone. Yet it's so hard to keep them to myself.

So it's been awesome to see this week as a Mark of success. And who knows, maybe by next year...I won't even need the bottle! I don't know if that will ever happen. But I know that with God, all things are possible. I mean, I've come this far, right!