Long Overdue

Ok, so this was written at the end of June of this year. I thought I had deleted it, but found it on my computer today. I don't really feel that it needs much explaining, so...here it is.

Two major things have gone down in the past month, and to be honest I am very proud of myself for taking the steps that I did. Well, actually, I'm thankful. Because while I say that I am "proud of myself", I realize that I never would have been able to accomplish these tasks without God's hand holding me firmly up.
I was so nervous about taking a trip to Branson with Cheryl that I was unable to eat more than a few crackers before we left at nearly 5pm that evening, and yet I was shocked when we made it all the way to the hotel and I hadn't had an attack.
We got changed and ready for our show and made our way to the theatre. I was so excited, and we were right smack on the front row! I could have exploded from happiness. I was devastated-along with the many children that were dressed up for the show-to discover that because of an accident, the show had been canceled. So we waited in line to get the tickets exchanged and then went back to the hotel to change. Since we had time we didn't think we'd have, we decided to swap nights and go to the landing to see the fountain show.
While we were there we scoped out some places we could go the next day, including an old time photo shop. That, we made a mental note of to return the next morning. It wasn't until we were standing and watching the light show that my anxious thoughts started to catch up with me. I remember looking over at her and thinking something like "we are in Branson. We are an hour away from home. I'm not going home tonight." And that is when the anxious feelings started to take hold.
I was thankful that as we started back towards the car that it started to rain. It helped me to relax a bit, and I had fun running around getting wet. Cheryl just laughed because she'd never seen me stop and just look up in the rain before.
I was ok in the car, we listened to music and had a grand old time as we waited in traffic to get around an accident on the roundabout. It wasn't until we got back to the hotel, and in the elevator, that I realized and acknowledged what I was feeling. Immediately upon entering I set my purse on a shelf and started searching for my lemon balm extract. I found it and quickly poured it, but it was several minutes before I was able to actually take it. I as afraid of taking it and then throwing it right back up.
I paced around for several minutes, even running to the bathroom in fear, before I finally felt like I would be able to keep it down.
Taking that always has an odd effect on me. I don't think it's the balm itself, but more of just knowing that I've taken something. It feels different, like it could possibly backfire, and usually takes around ten to fifteen minutes before I feel like I have complete grasp on myself again.
In those minnutes that night I paced back and forth and tried to talk and laugh with Cheryl, and she was so caring and gentle. We sat on the bed and she brushed my hair, and then we sat on the couch and just talked and rested. She put her arm around me and let me just rest my head on her shoulder, doing her best to keep things "mellow and relaxed" as she said later. I could have fallen asleep right there, but I knew that if I did she wouldn't have wanted to move and wake me.
When we finally did go to bed, I was so tired. I plopped down knowing that I wasn't going to sleep and fully accepting of that fact. I laid in bed and just thought and imagined, dozing for a few minutes here and there. I was so happy when morning finally rolled around and Jalinn came up.
We ate and then walked around campus as she showed us her new world. It was nice to have a visual of the places she'll tell me about.
When she finally had to leave for work, Cheryl and I packed up our things and from into town for a day of shopping.
At the Landing, we got our pictures taken in an old time photo shop and went to get my ear pierced. On a whim, Cheryl got hers pierced too! It was a very cool experience to share with her.
As we continued to walk around, we happened to be passing the fountain as the water show started. It was the national anthem.
We stopped and respectfully placed our hands over our hearts, but as I watched the water, her focus was on something else.
An elderly gentleman had been sitting on a bench, but stood at attention as the song began to play. When it ended, he sat back down. We walked over to him and saw on his hat that he was in the Vietnam war.
We both shook his hand and told him we were thankful for his service to our country. His eyes filled with tears as he thanked us for coming up to him. This was by far a highlight of our day.
After eating lunch at a Greek place, we continued to shop at a couple of old stores and then the Tanger outlets. We both found several things we liked, and were completely worn out by the time we arrived at the restaurant for dinner.
I ended up having a panic attack that started during dinner and lasted well into the first act of "The Little Mermaid". In spite of how I was feeling and all the fleeting thoughts that ran through my mind, I was able to stay focused on the fact that it was /only/ a physical reaction to a situation wrongly perceived by my body.
We sat in the back of the theatre where I was able to stand and pace around until the show started. It was so difficult to sit still, but I managed to let myself get lost in the magic of it all. I felt like a small child as I watched with eyes full of wonder.
I fell asleep on the ride home, a fact of which I am slightly embarrassed. It was late, it had been a long day, and I was supposed to have helped Cheryl stay awake. I really only thought I'd been asleep for a few minutes, but when I woke up we were on familiar roads.
The weekend was amazing, everything included, and I am so blessed.
The second thing was camp. But more about that in my next post. 

Anxiety Verses and Songs

This might be slightly long, but I make no apologies. ;) I do however want to stress that the commentary on these verses is all solely my opinion and what I get our of each verse and that this is nowhere near an exhaustive list. I hope that these verses and songs are a help to anyone else who, like me, must face this challenge on a daily basis.

I opted to put the verses in the order in which they appear in the scripture, simply because if you decide to look them up for yourself it will be easier to find them all if they were in that order.

Bible Verses for times of anxiety and fear:

Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."
    What cold be cooler than knowing the LORD, the God of all creation, is fighting for us? What could be more comforting than knowing that He will protect us if we turn our worries and our dears over to Him. He can and will do it all, if we let Him, and all we have to do is be still.

Psalm 118:5-8 "Out of my distress I called on the LORD; the LORD answered me and set me free. The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? The Lord is on my side as my helper; I shall look in triumph on those who hate me. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man."
    'better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.' admittedly that's harder for me. It's easier to trust the people around me that I can see, touch, and hold a conversation with. It's hard to trust in God when you can't see Him. But it's also amazing to realize that He did set us free. He set us free from sin, why can we be so unwilling to let Him set us free from fear? I like to hang on to my worries, somehow it helps me feel in control. But I have to realize that I was never in control anyway.

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."
    How easy is it to take our life into our own hands when we don't understand what's happening? We act like Sarah, trying to force God's hand, when we need only be patient for a little while longer. If we recognize and acknowledge that Christ is in charge, He will make it clear His plan for us.

Isaiah 41:10 "10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
    I really like this one, and stumbled upon it a couple of weeks ago. It's amazing that He tells us to "fear not". God doesn't want us to be afraid, He wants us to take our fears to Him. He will give us strength to face them, but He will also hold us in the palm of His hand, protecting us from the works of the devil who lives to make us stumble.

Jeremiah 32:27 "Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me?"
    What is too hard for God? Can you tell me one thing that is too hard for Him? This one is heard for me to wrap my mind around because currently I find myself watching a situation unfold and wondering if He is strong enough. Because the whole thing just seems like the most hopeless situation that I've ever encountered. Yet at the same time I know that there is nothing that is too hard for Him. That in His time, the reason for this will make itself known.

Lamentations 3:21-24 "But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion" says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."
    If I hadn't put the verses in the order I did, these would have been where I started. When I am in the midst of panic, feeling like there is nothing I can do to stop it, I call to mid the fast that His love never stops. His love for me is not on hold because of my momentary panic. His faithfulness is new every morning, every. single. day. He is faithful to be our rock in times of trouble.

Matthew 6:25-34 "“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
    I think that this passage is very self explanatory. God cares so much for us, He will always provide us with what He knows we need right at that very moment. Be it courage/strength/comfort, or money/food/shelter.

Philippians 4:6-7 "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanks giving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Him Who strengthens me."
    DO NOT BE ANXIOUS. Take your requests to God. Talk to Him, and don't be afraid to be honest. Tell Him how you feel, tell Him if you are upset, sad, or just mad! You'll feel better because you've taken it to Him. He will give you the peace that you need if only you ask and belive. You can do anything when you have Him on your side.

Now, onto the music :)

I have broken this list of songs up into three categories. 1) Songs For Attacks, 2) Songs For Times Of Anxiousness, and 3) Songs For When You Are Upset Or Discouraged. Songs for attacks are the songs that I have found the most  helpful with calming myself down OR FOCUSING MY THOUGHTS ELSEWHERE when I am in the midst of panic. I would suggest swapping them out whenever possible,depending on what you need each unique time. Because sometimes listening to them when you have blasted them during other attacks can be counterintuitive. Songs for when you are anxious, are specifically for the times when you feel scared but you are not in the midst of an attack. They work wonders for me when I just feel on edge because most of them help me to calm down or focus my thoughts elsewhere. I debated for a bit about if I should include the last category, but I know that discouragement is not something that I struggle with alone. So lastly I have included a list of songs that I listen to when I am feeling down or angry that I have to deal with this. For when I feel like I just want to give up. I hope they are helpful to you! God Bless!! <3

Songs for Attacks:
Steady My Heart (Kari Jobe)
Press On (Mandisa)
Overcomer (same)
Need You Now (Plumb)
5 Minutes At a Time (Superchick)
Hold (same)

Songs for times of anxiousness:
Victorious (Mandisa)
Steady My Heart (Kari Jobe)
Take My Hand (Lindsey McCall)
What I Know (Tricia)
Constant (Francesca Battistelli)
Don't Miss It (same)
Strangely Dim (same)
Giants Fall (same)
Find Rest (same)
Run to Jesus (same)
Control (JJ Heller)
Save Me (same)
Keep You Safe (same)
Strong Enough (Matthew West)
Our Hope Endures (Natalie Grant)
Have Your Way (Britt Nicole)
Safe (same)
Breakthrough (same)
Hold (Superchick)

Songs for when you're upset or discouraged:
Day One (Matthew West)
Skyscraper (Demi Lovato)
Daughter of The King (Tricia)
Get Up (superchick)
It's On (same)
Me Against the World (same)
One More (same)
What Scars are For (Mandisa)
Stronger (same)

(taken from writerdoinglife on Wordpress)

Crashes and Comebacks

For anyone who has anxiety, I'm sure the term is not unfamiliar. Or if it is, you  have your own term for it. Relaps, falling back, whatever. I call it a crash. The span of time after a major attack when I am more susceptible, therefore having more. For me, the longest it's lasted has been a week, maybe two. But within that week I can have panic attacks daily. Usually though I get a break and have at least one good day.

My most recent crash started on Valentines Day. I went to bed anxious, and woke up sick to my stomach. I'd really hoped that it would go away, but after three hours that hope had vanished. It wouldn't go away in time for me to actually go out and enjoy the plans I'd made for the day. So I cancled them. Plans I had been looking forward to for a month. (side note: that is something that I really hate about anxiety. I cannot count how many times I have backed out of plans or flat out cancled on somebody because i was having a panic attack-or worse, I was scared I would have one)

Valentines was a Saturday. I had attacks the following Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. By Saturday, I was so far past fed up that I simply refused to let the anxiousness in my stomach grow to the point of an attack. And I ended up being mostly fine. Yes, I was anxious most of the night, but I had a good time with my Second Family.
Today marks two weeks since that "crash" started, and I am proud to report that it's been at least four days since I've had a panic attack. And that's great, because I was fully expecting to have one this weekend at a concert I went to with the Drama Team. I was anxious most of the night, and more than once I was scared I could feel one coming on, but by God's grace I made it through :-)

Crashes are the most discouraging thing in the world, because you can be doing so well and then *wham*, everything gets turned on it's side for a while. While everything is sideways it can be hard to remember that eventually-and probably sooner than what we think-will soon be right again. It's hard to remind yourself that "this too shall pass" and that everything will be ok again sometime very soon. But sometimes, especially for me, crashes come right before a "comeback". After a crash, I realize that I really am ok. I'm not dying, it's not slowly getting worse, and everything has righted itself again. After a crash I feel more confidant, because I know that though, yes facing that sucks more than I could ever describe, I can make it through. And if I can live through what feels like having a heart attack while sick with the stomach flu, what can I not survive.
And I'm not saying that I feel that way based on ME. I feel that way because I know that God has brought me through once again. He never fails me. No matter what I go through, no matter how many doubts the devil throws at me, I know that God is always with me. I know that I am in His hands, and that He will never forsake me in my time of need.

Two Posts in One Week???

Ok, so I posted this on my writing blog because it was more of a writing exercise. But I decided that I wanted to put it here too. Sooooo. . . .here ya go I guess

(From Justanotherwriterwriting.blogspot.com )

Pinterest Prompt

Ok, so the other day I was in a bit of a funk, feeling really down for verious reasons. So I got on Pinterest. And I saw a few pins, and decided I would try something. Write as much as I could using one, and then move to the next one, being they were all somewhat related, and this is what came from it.

It's not necessarily happy, actually it's probably more angry. But here is is. It doesn't have a name. Sorry.

"We have anxiety. This is a very real thing that most people don't understand or even recognize. We have a chemical imbalance in our brains, much like a diabetic has a chemical imbalance in their body. We did not ask for this illness, just as the diabetic did not ask for theirs. Yet somehow society has deemed it acceptable to stigmatize us for ours-calling us crazy-while showing compassion for the other.

Some would say that's it's wrong to compare the struggles we face due to our illness to those of the people battling cancer, or diabetes, or a heart condition. (Which are all, for the most part, invisible illnesses). Because after all, those can be fatal. And I don't disagree. But before saying that anxiety (or depression, bi-polar, OCD, SAD {social anxiety disorder},  GAD {generalized anxiety disorder})isn't fatal. . .try taking a look at the suicide statistics for the past few years.

You feel sympathy-even empathy-for those batteling with very real illness like cancer, diabetes, or fibromyalgia. Illness that we all recognize as real, painful, and life altering or even threatening. But what about those who fight against an illness just as strong in their minds? Who celebrate a victory just by pulling themselves out of bed in the morning. By going to work. By managing to have a social life. If you could only see and understand what really goes on inside our minds-think and feel what we do daily-then maybe you'd understand why we're always so tired and drained. But you can't, because we don't let you. We push people away to protect them from the wilderness that is our minds. And until you crawl around and see the darkest, deepest corners of our minds, you will never understand how it feels to deal with this every. single. day.

Have you even had a panic attack?

Have you ever felt your heart begin to pick up pace, and had that light headed feeling that's about halfway between feeling like you're gonna faint and feeling like you're gonna die?

What about the nausea? Have you ever randomly thrown up-or even passed out-because the terror you're feeling is too overwhelming for your body?

If you haven't experienced it for yourself, you will never understand how it feels to suddenly be struck with this overwhelming sense of panic and fear. What it's like to be so scared of doing something that you literally can't eat or sleep, and you find yourself shaking and crying. And you will never understand how frustrating, discouraging, and depressing it is. How worthless it can make you feel.

And what's worse? The anxiety makes you believe that you are worthless. It leaves no room for questions, and says there is noting you can do about it.

Anxiety is something that is very real. It's not something to be looked down on or stigmatized. The more you tell us things like "there's nothing to worry about", "just calm down" or "stop worrying, it'll be fine", the worse we feel in the moment. Because trust this-we know. We know there is no real reason for us to be feeling that way. We realize that eventually we will be fine. And we hate what we are feeling.

So, in the mean time, hold our hand.

Get us out.

Pull us to the side so we can do what we do best.

Wait it out, and continue on."

Here I'd like to add, sometimes it may not seem like we know what we're doing when we're "waiting it out". Attacks are terrifying and come with a whole slew of physical symptoms, and everyone has their own way of coping and waiting it out. For me, it's pacing. I can't sit still, no matter how completely exhausted I am. After a bad one, I'll sleep for hours.

When my friends are around, I know I freak them out. And I hate it. I do my best to explain that I'll be fine, and explain what I'm feeling, but I can tell that most of them aren't sure what to think or do.

And that's ok. Because even though it's a great comfort to have someone around-talking, distracting, or praying-I have gotten through countless attacks alone with God.

My crash, Invisibility, and this Weekend

Ok, so none of the topics are long enough for a full, decent length post, so I combined them. This one may be a bit disorganized. Sorry guys! (and gals) <3 

Invisibility:

Anxiety really is an invisible illness. Unless you know a person well or recognize their body language, it can be nearly impossible to detect if something is wrong. So often, it's second nature for us to plaster a smile on our face and pretend like nothing's wrong. Praying that no one takes the time to really look us in the eye. Because as much as we feel like we want someone to notice, we also don't. We don't want people to see; don't want them to know that we are freaking out over nothing. Or over something small.

It's one of the most embarrassing things in the world—knowing that there is literally nothing that we should be worried about, and get feeling like we are going to pass out. Or have a heart attack. Or-and no, this isn't an exaggeration-drop dead. It's not fun to be halfway convinced that you're gonna die this time. It's like your mind is divided, one half has you believing all these lies, while the other tries so desperately to get you to hold onto the truth.

And while this battle going on inside your head, the people around you can be completely oblivious.

Grant it, body language is hard to hide. There are people in our lives-in my life-who know. They see our tells, recognize attacks while we try to push them off as something else. Anything else.

Because anything is better than admitting to having an attack when you should be calm, happy, and having fun.

Anxiety really is invisible, because although they can see what we do, they don't-they can't-see our thoughts. They can't read our minds, or feel the literal pain that we do.

Speaking purely for myself, there have been times I've wished that I could show them. That I could take their hand for just a moment during an attack, and have them know exactly what I was feeling, thinking, and experiencing. But that's selfish of me. Because honestly I am happy that those around me will never know, not really

My Crash:

It's been so long since it started, I'm afraid that I won't be able to fully explain what I want to. I waited far too long to write this, but I just didn't know how to.

It started in October. October 2014.

I had two huge attacks, though I'm not sure which was first. Over the course of the next two months, it was a roller coaster. I'd have good days, and I'd sit in the car trying to calm an attack as we drove. It was a very discouraging time. I wanted so badly to just be normal. I got so tired, and so frustrated with having to put up with the heightened anxiety and awful panic attacks. This carried on into December.

New Years Eve rolled around, and I was so proud of myself when I got home from my first New Years party. I'd made it through the whole night without having any kind of anxiety or attack. I even decided that, since I could sleep in later, I was going to watch a movie on my phone before I went to bed.

I wish I would have just slept.

Before I was halfway into the movie, I discovered that I couldn't relax. All the muscles in my body were tense. I tried pointlessly to sleep then, but to no avail.

After over an hour of pacing and trying to sleep, pacing and trying to sleep, I finally did.

I woke up, however, still feeling anxious and unwell. This feeling, of something being wrong but being unable to specify exactly what, lasted almost a week.

Thankfully though, that was all. And by the 12th, I was fine.

The end of 2014 was incredibly discouraging and disheartening for me. I very much look forward to what 2015 has in store.

This Weekend:

This weekend I feel like I did really well, all things considered.

I should preface this by saying that Wednesday night, my water bottle met with an unfortunate fate. It fell from a stone bench to concrete and shattered. Needless to say, I was far from happy. But, I have been going without it since then.

Friday night, I think I did well. I went with my aunt after work, she had to run some errands so I went with her. I didn't have my water. I did have a soda, but I didn't take it in with me everywhere we went. And I didn't have it when we drove home late that night.

Saturday was fairly uneventful, and Sunday held a challenge is avoided since age 11. Singing by myself.

I was so scared. Before I went up I was nearly in tears, and momentarily angry because I had not signed up nor asked for this.

But I did it. I shook the entire time, but I did it. And I even went to an activity after service. (Side note: I was famished by the time we finally ate, because I'd only been able to scarf down half a piece of pizza at drama rehearsal that afternoon)

All in all this weekend went well, and I'm pleased with the small steps of progress I'm taking.