Two Posts in One Week???

Ok, so I posted this on my writing blog because it was more of a writing exercise. But I decided that I wanted to put it here too. Sooooo. . . .here ya go I guess

(From Justanotherwriterwriting.blogspot.com )

Pinterest Prompt

Ok, so the other day I was in a bit of a funk, feeling really down for verious reasons. So I got on Pinterest. And I saw a few pins, and decided I would try something. Write as much as I could using one, and then move to the next one, being they were all somewhat related, and this is what came from it.

It's not necessarily happy, actually it's probably more angry. But here is is. It doesn't have a name. Sorry.

"We have anxiety. This is a very real thing that most people don't understand or even recognize. We have a chemical imbalance in our brains, much like a diabetic has a chemical imbalance in their body. We did not ask for this illness, just as the diabetic did not ask for theirs. Yet somehow society has deemed it acceptable to stigmatize us for ours-calling us crazy-while showing compassion for the other.

Some would say that's it's wrong to compare the struggles we face due to our illness to those of the people battling cancer, or diabetes, or a heart condition. (Which are all, for the most part, invisible illnesses). Because after all, those can be fatal. And I don't disagree. But before saying that anxiety (or depression, bi-polar, OCD, SAD {social anxiety disorder},  GAD {generalized anxiety disorder})isn't fatal. . .try taking a look at the suicide statistics for the past few years.

You feel sympathy-even empathy-for those batteling with very real illness like cancer, diabetes, or fibromyalgia. Illness that we all recognize as real, painful, and life altering or even threatening. But what about those who fight against an illness just as strong in their minds? Who celebrate a victory just by pulling themselves out of bed in the morning. By going to work. By managing to have a social life. If you could only see and understand what really goes on inside our minds-think and feel what we do daily-then maybe you'd understand why we're always so tired and drained. But you can't, because we don't let you. We push people away to protect them from the wilderness that is our minds. And until you crawl around and see the darkest, deepest corners of our minds, you will never understand how it feels to deal with this every. single. day.

Have you even had a panic attack?

Have you ever felt your heart begin to pick up pace, and had that light headed feeling that's about halfway between feeling like you're gonna faint and feeling like you're gonna die?

What about the nausea? Have you ever randomly thrown up-or even passed out-because the terror you're feeling is too overwhelming for your body?

If you haven't experienced it for yourself, you will never understand how it feels to suddenly be struck with this overwhelming sense of panic and fear. What it's like to be so scared of doing something that you literally can't eat or sleep, and you find yourself shaking and crying. And you will never understand how frustrating, discouraging, and depressing it is. How worthless it can make you feel.

And what's worse? The anxiety makes you believe that you are worthless. It leaves no room for questions, and says there is noting you can do about it.

Anxiety is something that is very real. It's not something to be looked down on or stigmatized. The more you tell us things like "there's nothing to worry about", "just calm down" or "stop worrying, it'll be fine", the worse we feel in the moment. Because trust this-we know. We know there is no real reason for us to be feeling that way. We realize that eventually we will be fine. And we hate what we are feeling.

So, in the mean time, hold our hand.

Get us out.

Pull us to the side so we can do what we do best.

Wait it out, and continue on."

Here I'd like to add, sometimes it may not seem like we know what we're doing when we're "waiting it out". Attacks are terrifying and come with a whole slew of physical symptoms, and everyone has their own way of coping and waiting it out. For me, it's pacing. I can't sit still, no matter how completely exhausted I am. After a bad one, I'll sleep for hours.

When my friends are around, I know I freak them out. And I hate it. I do my best to explain that I'll be fine, and explain what I'm feeling, but I can tell that most of them aren't sure what to think or do.

And that's ok. Because even though it's a great comfort to have someone around-talking, distracting, or praying-I have gotten through countless attacks alone with God.

My crash, Invisibility, and this Weekend

Ok, so none of the topics are long enough for a full, decent length post, so I combined them. This one may be a bit disorganized. Sorry guys! (and gals) <3 

Invisibility:

Anxiety really is an invisible illness. Unless you know a person well or recognize their body language, it can be nearly impossible to detect if something is wrong. So often, it's second nature for us to plaster a smile on our face and pretend like nothing's wrong. Praying that no one takes the time to really look us in the eye. Because as much as we feel like we want someone to notice, we also don't. We don't want people to see; don't want them to know that we are freaking out over nothing. Or over something small.

It's one of the most embarrassing things in the world—knowing that there is literally nothing that we should be worried about, and get feeling like we are going to pass out. Or have a heart attack. Or-and no, this isn't an exaggeration-drop dead. It's not fun to be halfway convinced that you're gonna die this time. It's like your mind is divided, one half has you believing all these lies, while the other tries so desperately to get you to hold onto the truth.

And while this battle going on inside your head, the people around you can be completely oblivious.

Grant it, body language is hard to hide. There are people in our lives-in my life-who know. They see our tells, recognize attacks while we try to push them off as something else. Anything else.

Because anything is better than admitting to having an attack when you should be calm, happy, and having fun.

Anxiety really is invisible, because although they can see what we do, they don't-they can't-see our thoughts. They can't read our minds, or feel the literal pain that we do.

Speaking purely for myself, there have been times I've wished that I could show them. That I could take their hand for just a moment during an attack, and have them know exactly what I was feeling, thinking, and experiencing. But that's selfish of me. Because honestly I am happy that those around me will never know, not really

My Crash:

It's been so long since it started, I'm afraid that I won't be able to fully explain what I want to. I waited far too long to write this, but I just didn't know how to.

It started in October. October 2014.

I had two huge attacks, though I'm not sure which was first. Over the course of the next two months, it was a roller coaster. I'd have good days, and I'd sit in the car trying to calm an attack as we drove. It was a very discouraging time. I wanted so badly to just be normal. I got so tired, and so frustrated with having to put up with the heightened anxiety and awful panic attacks. This carried on into December.

New Years Eve rolled around, and I was so proud of myself when I got home from my first New Years party. I'd made it through the whole night without having any kind of anxiety or attack. I even decided that, since I could sleep in later, I was going to watch a movie on my phone before I went to bed.

I wish I would have just slept.

Before I was halfway into the movie, I discovered that I couldn't relax. All the muscles in my body were tense. I tried pointlessly to sleep then, but to no avail.

After over an hour of pacing and trying to sleep, pacing and trying to sleep, I finally did.

I woke up, however, still feeling anxious and unwell. This feeling, of something being wrong but being unable to specify exactly what, lasted almost a week.

Thankfully though, that was all. And by the 12th, I was fine.

The end of 2014 was incredibly discouraging and disheartening for me. I very much look forward to what 2015 has in store.

This Weekend:

This weekend I feel like I did really well, all things considered.

I should preface this by saying that Wednesday night, my water bottle met with an unfortunate fate. It fell from a stone bench to concrete and shattered. Needless to say, I was far from happy. But, I have been going without it since then.

Friday night, I think I did well. I went with my aunt after work, she had to run some errands so I went with her. I didn't have my water. I did have a soda, but I didn't take it in with me everywhere we went. And I didn't have it when we drove home late that night.

Saturday was fairly uneventful, and Sunday held a challenge is avoided since age 11. Singing by myself.

I was so scared. Before I went up I was nearly in tears, and momentarily angry because I had not signed up nor asked for this.

But I did it. I shook the entire time, but I did it. And I even went to an activity after service. (Side note: I was famished by the time we finally ate, because I'd only been able to scarf down half a piece of pizza at drama rehearsal that afternoon)

All in all this weekend went well, and I'm pleased with the small steps of progress I'm taking.