This is the water bottle that I got today. It seemed, well, very. . .fitting, I guess. It's no secret that because of my anxiety I've latched onto water. And it's really no secret that you can always find it in my purse. But maybe something I've kept secret for too long. . .is how it hurts when people poke fun at the fact that I always have it. Or worse, when they say things like "I seriously doubt you're going to die of dehydration while. . ." walking next door, driving to town, taking a walk, the list goes on and on. I know that those phrases are not meant to hurt me, but I think that by not telling people they did, I only made it worse. Does that make any type of sense?
I feel like if I had told people-my family-at the time that hearing things like that hurt, it would have been a good step. Instead, I kept it bottled up. And that only led to me being very secretive and distrustful with my family about my anxiety and the water. I wouldn't say anything if an attack came on, I'd just disappear. I learned to be ready five minutes before it was time to go, and have the water in my purse. And maybe they knew, but maybe they didn't.
I don't think they realize that it ever hurt me. And even now, when I go to see my out of town family, I'm just as careful. A lot of the time I never let them see it. Out of my entire family, no one but those I live with have ever seen me have an attack and actually known it was happening.
And I'm not saying that I'm mad at them, or that I blame them. If I had a kid (or niece or granddaughter or cousin, etc) that struggles like I do, I wouldn't know what to do either. I would probably make the same mistakes, and some of my own. But I wouldn't want them to keep it from me if I'd hurt them. I didn't start getting better until I found someone I could talk to about it all. Someone who wasn't family, and therefore it didn't register as. . .i don't know. Threatening? A person who had never said anything to belittle how I felt or what was in my mind, a person I felt I could trust because. . .she'd never given me a reason not to.
I did my best to hide the attachment to the water from my family, but now. . .that only means that I can't share with them the steps I've taken. I honestly don't think anyone could understand the feeling of victory or accomplishment when I am able to walk away from it. To set it down for hours at a time. And the rare occasion that I leave it at home.
I still get anxious, I still have panic attacks, and when that happens I still want to be able to grab the bottle. If not for anything more than to feel the coolness against my skin.
I got the bottle, because I hope that when I grab it-when I'm feeling anxious, or panicked, or worried-I'll see what's written on it, and I'll remember. I'll remember that whatever I'm facing, whatever has me anxious, or panicked, or worried, or stressed. . .that it's nothing compared to the one who gives me strength.
I didn't write this post to jab at my family, I didn't write it so they'd see it and feel bad, I didn't even write it because I was upset. I wrote it because maybe, maybe there is someone reading this and feeling like I used to. Feeling like those around you just don't understand, and like you can't talk to them at all. Not to share your pains, and not to share your victories. But there is no reason to feel alone when fighting a battle like this one. Because you're not alone.
You have a family that loves you, and if you'd open up to them you'd be surprised at how understanding they can be. You have friends who, if they're true friends, will think the same way. And most importantly, you have the One Who created you. The One Who is stronger than any panic attack, or feelings of nervousness, or embarasemt. And The One Who will hold you through all of it, if only you'll let Him.
