This is a picture of my mom and I, taken about a month before she died. (May 2008) She's beautiful, isn't she?I've recently been learning that I'm more like her than I used to think. I was actually told the other day that I take after my dad physically, but inside I'm all mom. After that conversation...it's now more than ever that I just wish I could sit down with her for an hour and talk.
Apparently this anxious thing is in my blood.
No one has said anything about her having panic or anxiety attacks, but apparently she was a worrier too. She stressed over details, over small awkwards, or over what people thought. Looking back, I don't remember her talking too much about it, but that was probably because she didn't want to make us kids worry.
Knowing that she struggled with some of the same things I do, albeit on different levels...it presents so many questions I want to ask, and some important things I wish I'd said while she was here.
I miss her. I miss waking up and shushing my siblings because "we don't want to wake mommy up!". I miss waking up and seeing her with a different hair color. I miss her smile and her laugh. I hardly remember her anymore, and I hate that.
There are still nights when I'll cry myself to sleep asking God "why?" But I also know that I wouldn't be who I am today if she were still here. I probably wouldn't have the relationships I do with Cheryl and Jennifer if she were still here
I understand that her being in Heaven now is a part of God's plan not just for me, but for our whole family, yet I still wonder what life would be like if she were still here.
Her life verse was Jeremiah 33:3 which says "Call unto me and I will answer thee an show thee great and mighty things which thou knowest not."
God knows what we don't. He sees what we can't. I trust that my life is in His hands, and I rest assured that I will see my mother again one day. No, it won't be the same, but I'll see her. I'll hug her. And that's good enough for me.
