My First Audition

April 16th, 2016.
Cheryl shares a post about auditions for a Princess and Me Tea fundraiser.
Initially I responded with "oh, that could be cool."
But as I thought about it, and as I started working on a song, I realized that it was something that I really did want to do. About two weeks before the May 1st auditions, I officially decided that I was going to go for it. I was going to audition. It was a HUGE step, and I was nervous, but to say I was excited would have been an understatement. So as the date approached, I began to prepare.

Thursday: Started freaking out because my throat was starting to get irritated. My allergies. So I got off work and went to an all natural market to get a throat spray. Stuff tasted nasty, but worked like a charm. The next step was Walmart, for cough drops, lemon juice, and bottled water. Worked on my song, and made sure I knew all the words in ASL.

Friday: So I literally sang everything BUT my audition song, but it was good for my voice because I sang almost all day. My voice sounded pretty powerful, and it made me happy.

Saturday: PURE CRAZINESS! Still managed to find time to practice; feeling about 90% confidant. Got my nails done!
Took lemon balm at about 10:40pm. Got my toe nail polish all off about ten minutes later. It was strong! Still holding on from a friends wedding in March.
So ready for this!

Sunday: Up at Five freaking Fifty-One am.No more sleep for me.
Discovered my hair was oily, which totally screwed up the look I wanted for the audition, so I had to wash it in the sink. That's something that I don't do often. I prayed it would dry properly at church.
Also discovered I was breaking out. Yay. Me. But that's ok. I took ALL the makeup to church with me.
Supplies for the day:
Painkiller
Lemon balm
Throat spray
Lotion
Pens
Mints
Cough drops
Deodorant
Snack
Makeup
Burst
Tooth brush/paste
Water with lemon
Tissues
Fan
Book

Outfit:

8-ish am
Got my sister a coffee at McDonalds on the way to church, but was too nervous to actually get anything for myself. I wasn't;t sure if I would be able to keep it down.
Spent some time in the drama room practicing; felt confidant in my ability to do this as long as my throat doesn't do the thing it likes to do where it closes up and doesn't let me sing the first few notes properly.

9:33am
Still sick to my stomach, but the worship service was fantastic. I love singing praise to my Savior

9:38 CONCENTRATION TEST TIME
Pastor Bob's Sermon: Living on a prayer part 2. Eph 6:18
(I managed to get all the notes except two points on the first go round, and caught them the second time he went through them. I'll admit, I missed them because there was a bit of note passing between Cheryl and I as we tried to decide who was driving.

11:00am
Children's church was awesome! I love that job and was sad to leave so quickly, but I ran upstairs as soon as we were done with music so I could do my hair and makeup. Makeup was done quickly and confidently, but for the life of me I couldn't get my hair do do what I wanted it to. After about 10 minutes I gave up and let it fall naturally-with the help of a curling brush.

11:40am
And we are off! I'm nowhere near hungry, and I considered taking my lemon balm. I decided that I was going to try to go without it, but that I wouldn't get down on myself if I ended up needing it.

12:21pm
We stopped for lunch at Sonic in Ozark. I ate a little, and was really happy I was able to do so. Still no lemon balm, but we cannot seem to find the place! Up and down and up and down the same street. Finally, we asked for directions. The GPS had taken us in the oposite direction! Stupid thing. . .

12:45pm
WE FOUND IT!
And now Hayleah is going to audition too! I'm so excited because I think it would be amazing if she, Mikayla and I all got parts. Oh, and Olivia too! I was excited to see her there. We ended up using the same audition song. . .lol oops! Oh well, no competition between friends ;)

1:38pm
My name was called. I was so nervous! But I walked in and rocked it. I made eye contact with each person in the room at least once, and my voice didn't crack at all! I missed a sign or two, but I think I covered well enough.
When they asked me to stay I thought I might faint. I was so wanting to hear those words, and I didn't realize how much so until I actually heard them. I was extatic!
I walked out shaking and sweating a bit, but it was so worth it.

1:43pm
The waiting game begins!
Cheryl, Lisa, Olivia, Hayleah, Mikayla, and I sat or stood around two tall tables with four chairs and killed time waiting. Hayleah was the last name on the list (because of her last minute sign up) so she spent the majority of her time pacing up and down the hallway and standing my the door waiting with the other girls. Numbers slowly dwindled, but I didn't notice until Hayleah came out. We all kind of looked up and saw several girls still hanging around. We all realized that we were now waiting for callbacks. We visited and chuckled a bit before they came back out of the room and called names. All but two of us were called. All of them brunettes.
The blond and I sat in the hallway and nervously debated what could be up as we watched the other girls walk in a circle doing the "princess wave".
When they came back out we all ended up in a circle talking, trying to figure out what was going on. We also found out, quite by accident, that everyone had come straight to the audition from church. I found it awesome that all of us still there had something in common-our faith. Be they different, from the churches listed I was able to determine that we all held a like faith. And that made me smile.
Not long after, the blond and I were called in! Along with three brunettes. Olivia was with me! I was slightly relieved.
All was silent until one of us said "hi!" and everyone laughed. Nerves dissipated as we looked at each other and smiled, waving to each other and imaginary children as laughter filled the room and our circle got smaller and smaller.
Several of us were given dresses and sent to try them on. It felt unreal as I walked down the hallway carrying a bag that was almost bigger than I was, going to try on a real princess dress! I was on cloud nine.
The three of us in the same bathroom decided that we were going to turn it into a dressing room.
The dress was breath taking, and in three pieces. Thankfully, I knew how to put on a hoop skirt thanks to Cheryl. I was in the dress in no time, and walking down the hallway of the Ozark community center while holding the sides together. Cheryl's face was full of a Mother's pride. As they were making sure everything fit correctly, she was off to the side taking pictures.
I was in too much of a haze to care. I was in the Anna dress. I couldn't believe it.
When I went back to take it off, I ended up having more trouble than I expected trying to get the top off. They'd laced it tighter than it had been earlier. I had to have Cheryl come in and help me get it over my head!
After that, I was free to go with the promise of an e-mail in a week or two, letting me know if I got the part.

May 6, 2016
I was backstage for Class Act, checking my e-mail while I waited for the show to start. When I saw the message, I gasped loudly. The kids around me jumped up and asked if I was alright. I was in shock, and when I finally answered I couldn't contain my excitement. I had been offered the part of Anna! I was shaking. I knew I had to tell Cheryl.
I asked John right away if I could come over after the last show that night, and then anxiously awaited the end of the night. Even in my excitement, I was able to focus on the show that night and it went over with minimal complications.
I dropped my brother off in our driveway, and had to keep myself from speeding over to Cheryl's. I was shaking, I was so excited. It was finally sinking in.
She knew the second I walked in the door. I didn't even have to knock. They saw me walking up and waved me in. We laughed and cried, and she got that look of pride in her eyes again.
I am beyond excited about this opportunity.
Two years ago, heck even one year ago, I would never have been able to do anything like this.
I could drive down James River Freeway and point out the exact places where I've had panic attacks on the way to Ozark, and recognize landmarks that brought back memories of attacks once we're off JR. I couldn't even think of going to Nixa, let alone Ozark, without an intense feeling of anxiety taking over me.
Yet in these past years God has given me many many opportunities to face my fears and stretch myself to and past my limits. Sometimes I broke, sometimes I still do. But I get back and, through God's strength, I put myself back together and try again.
2016 is shaping up to be a very exciting year, with many past and future chances to grow and have new experiences that I never dreamed were possible.
I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me.

Long Overdue

Ok, so this was written at the end of June of this year. I thought I had deleted it, but found it on my computer today. I don't really feel that it needs much explaining, so...here it is.

Two major things have gone down in the past month, and to be honest I am very proud of myself for taking the steps that I did. Well, actually, I'm thankful. Because while I say that I am "proud of myself", I realize that I never would have been able to accomplish these tasks without God's hand holding me firmly up.
I was so nervous about taking a trip to Branson with Cheryl that I was unable to eat more than a few crackers before we left at nearly 5pm that evening, and yet I was shocked when we made it all the way to the hotel and I hadn't had an attack.
We got changed and ready for our show and made our way to the theatre. I was so excited, and we were right smack on the front row! I could have exploded from happiness. I was devastated-along with the many children that were dressed up for the show-to discover that because of an accident, the show had been canceled. So we waited in line to get the tickets exchanged and then went back to the hotel to change. Since we had time we didn't think we'd have, we decided to swap nights and go to the landing to see the fountain show.
While we were there we scoped out some places we could go the next day, including an old time photo shop. That, we made a mental note of to return the next morning. It wasn't until we were standing and watching the light show that my anxious thoughts started to catch up with me. I remember looking over at her and thinking something like "we are in Branson. We are an hour away from home. I'm not going home tonight." And that is when the anxious feelings started to take hold.
I was thankful that as we started back towards the car that it started to rain. It helped me to relax a bit, and I had fun running around getting wet. Cheryl just laughed because she'd never seen me stop and just look up in the rain before.
I was ok in the car, we listened to music and had a grand old time as we waited in traffic to get around an accident on the roundabout. It wasn't until we got back to the hotel, and in the elevator, that I realized and acknowledged what I was feeling. Immediately upon entering I set my purse on a shelf and started searching for my lemon balm extract. I found it and quickly poured it, but it was several minutes before I was able to actually take it. I as afraid of taking it and then throwing it right back up.
I paced around for several minutes, even running to the bathroom in fear, before I finally felt like I would be able to keep it down.
Taking that always has an odd effect on me. I don't think it's the balm itself, but more of just knowing that I've taken something. It feels different, like it could possibly backfire, and usually takes around ten to fifteen minutes before I feel like I have complete grasp on myself again.
In those minnutes that night I paced back and forth and tried to talk and laugh with Cheryl, and she was so caring and gentle. We sat on the bed and she brushed my hair, and then we sat on the couch and just talked and rested. She put her arm around me and let me just rest my head on her shoulder, doing her best to keep things "mellow and relaxed" as she said later. I could have fallen asleep right there, but I knew that if I did she wouldn't have wanted to move and wake me.
When we finally did go to bed, I was so tired. I plopped down knowing that I wasn't going to sleep and fully accepting of that fact. I laid in bed and just thought and imagined, dozing for a few minutes here and there. I was so happy when morning finally rolled around and Jalinn came up.
We ate and then walked around campus as she showed us her new world. It was nice to have a visual of the places she'll tell me about.
When she finally had to leave for work, Cheryl and I packed up our things and from into town for a day of shopping.
At the Landing, we got our pictures taken in an old time photo shop and went to get my ear pierced. On a whim, Cheryl got hers pierced too! It was a very cool experience to share with her.
As we continued to walk around, we happened to be passing the fountain as the water show started. It was the national anthem.
We stopped and respectfully placed our hands over our hearts, but as I watched the water, her focus was on something else.
An elderly gentleman had been sitting on a bench, but stood at attention as the song began to play. When it ended, he sat back down. We walked over to him and saw on his hat that he was in the Vietnam war.
We both shook his hand and told him we were thankful for his service to our country. His eyes filled with tears as he thanked us for coming up to him. This was by far a highlight of our day.
After eating lunch at a Greek place, we continued to shop at a couple of old stores and then the Tanger outlets. We both found several things we liked, and were completely worn out by the time we arrived at the restaurant for dinner.
I ended up having a panic attack that started during dinner and lasted well into the first act of "The Little Mermaid". In spite of how I was feeling and all the fleeting thoughts that ran through my mind, I was able to stay focused on the fact that it was /only/ a physical reaction to a situation wrongly perceived by my body.
We sat in the back of the theatre where I was able to stand and pace around until the show started. It was so difficult to sit still, but I managed to let myself get lost in the magic of it all. I felt like a small child as I watched with eyes full of wonder.
I fell asleep on the ride home, a fact of which I am slightly embarrassed. It was late, it had been a long day, and I was supposed to have helped Cheryl stay awake. I really only thought I'd been asleep for a few minutes, but when I woke up we were on familiar roads.
The weekend was amazing, everything included, and I am so blessed.
The second thing was camp. But more about that in my next post. 

Anxiety Verses and Songs

This might be slightly long, but I make no apologies. ;) I do however want to stress that the commentary on these verses is all solely my opinion and what I get our of each verse and that this is nowhere near an exhaustive list. I hope that these verses and songs are a help to anyone else who, like me, must face this challenge on a daily basis.

I opted to put the verses in the order in which they appear in the scripture, simply because if you decide to look them up for yourself it will be easier to find them all if they were in that order.

Bible Verses for times of anxiety and fear:

Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."
    What cold be cooler than knowing the LORD, the God of all creation, is fighting for us? What could be more comforting than knowing that He will protect us if we turn our worries and our dears over to Him. He can and will do it all, if we let Him, and all we have to do is be still.

Psalm 118:5-8 "Out of my distress I called on the LORD; the LORD answered me and set me free. The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? The Lord is on my side as my helper; I shall look in triumph on those who hate me. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man."
    'better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.' admittedly that's harder for me. It's easier to trust the people around me that I can see, touch, and hold a conversation with. It's hard to trust in God when you can't see Him. But it's also amazing to realize that He did set us free. He set us free from sin, why can we be so unwilling to let Him set us free from fear? I like to hang on to my worries, somehow it helps me feel in control. But I have to realize that I was never in control anyway.

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."
    How easy is it to take our life into our own hands when we don't understand what's happening? We act like Sarah, trying to force God's hand, when we need only be patient for a little while longer. If we recognize and acknowledge that Christ is in charge, He will make it clear His plan for us.

Isaiah 41:10 "10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
    I really like this one, and stumbled upon it a couple of weeks ago. It's amazing that He tells us to "fear not". God doesn't want us to be afraid, He wants us to take our fears to Him. He will give us strength to face them, but He will also hold us in the palm of His hand, protecting us from the works of the devil who lives to make us stumble.

Jeremiah 32:27 "Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me?"
    What is too hard for God? Can you tell me one thing that is too hard for Him? This one is heard for me to wrap my mind around because currently I find myself watching a situation unfold and wondering if He is strong enough. Because the whole thing just seems like the most hopeless situation that I've ever encountered. Yet at the same time I know that there is nothing that is too hard for Him. That in His time, the reason for this will make itself known.

Lamentations 3:21-24 "But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion" says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."
    If I hadn't put the verses in the order I did, these would have been where I started. When I am in the midst of panic, feeling like there is nothing I can do to stop it, I call to mid the fast that His love never stops. His love for me is not on hold because of my momentary panic. His faithfulness is new every morning, every. single. day. He is faithful to be our rock in times of trouble.

Matthew 6:25-34 "“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
    I think that this passage is very self explanatory. God cares so much for us, He will always provide us with what He knows we need right at that very moment. Be it courage/strength/comfort, or money/food/shelter.

Philippians 4:6-7 "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanks giving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Him Who strengthens me."
    DO NOT BE ANXIOUS. Take your requests to God. Talk to Him, and don't be afraid to be honest. Tell Him how you feel, tell Him if you are upset, sad, or just mad! You'll feel better because you've taken it to Him. He will give you the peace that you need if only you ask and belive. You can do anything when you have Him on your side.

Now, onto the music :)

I have broken this list of songs up into three categories. 1) Songs For Attacks, 2) Songs For Times Of Anxiousness, and 3) Songs For When You Are Upset Or Discouraged. Songs for attacks are the songs that I have found the most  helpful with calming myself down OR FOCUSING MY THOUGHTS ELSEWHERE when I am in the midst of panic. I would suggest swapping them out whenever possible,depending on what you need each unique time. Because sometimes listening to them when you have blasted them during other attacks can be counterintuitive. Songs for when you are anxious, are specifically for the times when you feel scared but you are not in the midst of an attack. They work wonders for me when I just feel on edge because most of them help me to calm down or focus my thoughts elsewhere. I debated for a bit about if I should include the last category, but I know that discouragement is not something that I struggle with alone. So lastly I have included a list of songs that I listen to when I am feeling down or angry that I have to deal with this. For when I feel like I just want to give up. I hope they are helpful to you! God Bless!! <3

Songs for Attacks:
Steady My Heart (Kari Jobe)
Press On (Mandisa)
Overcomer (same)
Need You Now (Plumb)
5 Minutes At a Time (Superchick)
Hold (same)

Songs for times of anxiousness:
Victorious (Mandisa)
Steady My Heart (Kari Jobe)
Take My Hand (Lindsey McCall)
What I Know (Tricia)
Constant (Francesca Battistelli)
Don't Miss It (same)
Strangely Dim (same)
Giants Fall (same)
Find Rest (same)
Run to Jesus (same)
Control (JJ Heller)
Save Me (same)
Keep You Safe (same)
Strong Enough (Matthew West)
Our Hope Endures (Natalie Grant)
Have Your Way (Britt Nicole)
Safe (same)
Breakthrough (same)
Hold (Superchick)

Songs for when you're upset or discouraged:
Day One (Matthew West)
Skyscraper (Demi Lovato)
Daughter of The King (Tricia)
Get Up (superchick)
It's On (same)
Me Against the World (same)
One More (same)
What Scars are For (Mandisa)
Stronger (same)

(taken from writerdoinglife on Wordpress)

Crashes and Comebacks

For anyone who has anxiety, I'm sure the term is not unfamiliar. Or if it is, you  have your own term for it. Relaps, falling back, whatever. I call it a crash. The span of time after a major attack when I am more susceptible, therefore having more. For me, the longest it's lasted has been a week, maybe two. But within that week I can have panic attacks daily. Usually though I get a break and have at least one good day.

My most recent crash started on Valentines Day. I went to bed anxious, and woke up sick to my stomach. I'd really hoped that it would go away, but after three hours that hope had vanished. It wouldn't go away in time for me to actually go out and enjoy the plans I'd made for the day. So I cancled them. Plans I had been looking forward to for a month. (side note: that is something that I really hate about anxiety. I cannot count how many times I have backed out of plans or flat out cancled on somebody because i was having a panic attack-or worse, I was scared I would have one)

Valentines was a Saturday. I had attacks the following Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. By Saturday, I was so far past fed up that I simply refused to let the anxiousness in my stomach grow to the point of an attack. And I ended up being mostly fine. Yes, I was anxious most of the night, but I had a good time with my Second Family.
Today marks two weeks since that "crash" started, and I am proud to report that it's been at least four days since I've had a panic attack. And that's great, because I was fully expecting to have one this weekend at a concert I went to with the Drama Team. I was anxious most of the night, and more than once I was scared I could feel one coming on, but by God's grace I made it through :-)

Crashes are the most discouraging thing in the world, because you can be doing so well and then *wham*, everything gets turned on it's side for a while. While everything is sideways it can be hard to remember that eventually-and probably sooner than what we think-will soon be right again. It's hard to remind yourself that "this too shall pass" and that everything will be ok again sometime very soon. But sometimes, especially for me, crashes come right before a "comeback". After a crash, I realize that I really am ok. I'm not dying, it's not slowly getting worse, and everything has righted itself again. After a crash I feel more confidant, because I know that though, yes facing that sucks more than I could ever describe, I can make it through. And if I can live through what feels like having a heart attack while sick with the stomach flu, what can I not survive.
And I'm not saying that I feel that way based on ME. I feel that way because I know that God has brought me through once again. He never fails me. No matter what I go through, no matter how many doubts the devil throws at me, I know that God is always with me. I know that I am in His hands, and that He will never forsake me in my time of need.

Two Posts in One Week???

Ok, so I posted this on my writing blog because it was more of a writing exercise. But I decided that I wanted to put it here too. Sooooo. . . .here ya go I guess

(From Justanotherwriterwriting.blogspot.com )

Pinterest Prompt

Ok, so the other day I was in a bit of a funk, feeling really down for verious reasons. So I got on Pinterest. And I saw a few pins, and decided I would try something. Write as much as I could using one, and then move to the next one, being they were all somewhat related, and this is what came from it.

It's not necessarily happy, actually it's probably more angry. But here is is. It doesn't have a name. Sorry.

"We have anxiety. This is a very real thing that most people don't understand or even recognize. We have a chemical imbalance in our brains, much like a diabetic has a chemical imbalance in their body. We did not ask for this illness, just as the diabetic did not ask for theirs. Yet somehow society has deemed it acceptable to stigmatize us for ours-calling us crazy-while showing compassion for the other.

Some would say that's it's wrong to compare the struggles we face due to our illness to those of the people battling cancer, or diabetes, or a heart condition. (Which are all, for the most part, invisible illnesses). Because after all, those can be fatal. And I don't disagree. But before saying that anxiety (or depression, bi-polar, OCD, SAD {social anxiety disorder},  GAD {generalized anxiety disorder})isn't fatal. . .try taking a look at the suicide statistics for the past few years.

You feel sympathy-even empathy-for those batteling with very real illness like cancer, diabetes, or fibromyalgia. Illness that we all recognize as real, painful, and life altering or even threatening. But what about those who fight against an illness just as strong in their minds? Who celebrate a victory just by pulling themselves out of bed in the morning. By going to work. By managing to have a social life. If you could only see and understand what really goes on inside our minds-think and feel what we do daily-then maybe you'd understand why we're always so tired and drained. But you can't, because we don't let you. We push people away to protect them from the wilderness that is our minds. And until you crawl around and see the darkest, deepest corners of our minds, you will never understand how it feels to deal with this every. single. day.

Have you even had a panic attack?

Have you ever felt your heart begin to pick up pace, and had that light headed feeling that's about halfway between feeling like you're gonna faint and feeling like you're gonna die?

What about the nausea? Have you ever randomly thrown up-or even passed out-because the terror you're feeling is too overwhelming for your body?

If you haven't experienced it for yourself, you will never understand how it feels to suddenly be struck with this overwhelming sense of panic and fear. What it's like to be so scared of doing something that you literally can't eat or sleep, and you find yourself shaking and crying. And you will never understand how frustrating, discouraging, and depressing it is. How worthless it can make you feel.

And what's worse? The anxiety makes you believe that you are worthless. It leaves no room for questions, and says there is noting you can do about it.

Anxiety is something that is very real. It's not something to be looked down on or stigmatized. The more you tell us things like "there's nothing to worry about", "just calm down" or "stop worrying, it'll be fine", the worse we feel in the moment. Because trust this-we know. We know there is no real reason for us to be feeling that way. We realize that eventually we will be fine. And we hate what we are feeling.

So, in the mean time, hold our hand.

Get us out.

Pull us to the side so we can do what we do best.

Wait it out, and continue on."

Here I'd like to add, sometimes it may not seem like we know what we're doing when we're "waiting it out". Attacks are terrifying and come with a whole slew of physical symptoms, and everyone has their own way of coping and waiting it out. For me, it's pacing. I can't sit still, no matter how completely exhausted I am. After a bad one, I'll sleep for hours.

When my friends are around, I know I freak them out. And I hate it. I do my best to explain that I'll be fine, and explain what I'm feeling, but I can tell that most of them aren't sure what to think or do.

And that's ok. Because even though it's a great comfort to have someone around-talking, distracting, or praying-I have gotten through countless attacks alone with God.

My crash, Invisibility, and this Weekend

Ok, so none of the topics are long enough for a full, decent length post, so I combined them. This one may be a bit disorganized. Sorry guys! (and gals) <3 

Invisibility:

Anxiety really is an invisible illness. Unless you know a person well or recognize their body language, it can be nearly impossible to detect if something is wrong. So often, it's second nature for us to plaster a smile on our face and pretend like nothing's wrong. Praying that no one takes the time to really look us in the eye. Because as much as we feel like we want someone to notice, we also don't. We don't want people to see; don't want them to know that we are freaking out over nothing. Or over something small.

It's one of the most embarrassing things in the world—knowing that there is literally nothing that we should be worried about, and get feeling like we are going to pass out. Or have a heart attack. Or-and no, this isn't an exaggeration-drop dead. It's not fun to be halfway convinced that you're gonna die this time. It's like your mind is divided, one half has you believing all these lies, while the other tries so desperately to get you to hold onto the truth.

And while this battle going on inside your head, the people around you can be completely oblivious.

Grant it, body language is hard to hide. There are people in our lives-in my life-who know. They see our tells, recognize attacks while we try to push them off as something else. Anything else.

Because anything is better than admitting to having an attack when you should be calm, happy, and having fun.

Anxiety really is invisible, because although they can see what we do, they don't-they can't-see our thoughts. They can't read our minds, or feel the literal pain that we do.

Speaking purely for myself, there have been times I've wished that I could show them. That I could take their hand for just a moment during an attack, and have them know exactly what I was feeling, thinking, and experiencing. But that's selfish of me. Because honestly I am happy that those around me will never know, not really

My Crash:

It's been so long since it started, I'm afraid that I won't be able to fully explain what I want to. I waited far too long to write this, but I just didn't know how to.

It started in October. October 2014.

I had two huge attacks, though I'm not sure which was first. Over the course of the next two months, it was a roller coaster. I'd have good days, and I'd sit in the car trying to calm an attack as we drove. It was a very discouraging time. I wanted so badly to just be normal. I got so tired, and so frustrated with having to put up with the heightened anxiety and awful panic attacks. This carried on into December.

New Years Eve rolled around, and I was so proud of myself when I got home from my first New Years party. I'd made it through the whole night without having any kind of anxiety or attack. I even decided that, since I could sleep in later, I was going to watch a movie on my phone before I went to bed.

I wish I would have just slept.

Before I was halfway into the movie, I discovered that I couldn't relax. All the muscles in my body were tense. I tried pointlessly to sleep then, but to no avail.

After over an hour of pacing and trying to sleep, pacing and trying to sleep, I finally did.

I woke up, however, still feeling anxious and unwell. This feeling, of something being wrong but being unable to specify exactly what, lasted almost a week.

Thankfully though, that was all. And by the 12th, I was fine.

The end of 2014 was incredibly discouraging and disheartening for me. I very much look forward to what 2015 has in store.

This Weekend:

This weekend I feel like I did really well, all things considered.

I should preface this by saying that Wednesday night, my water bottle met with an unfortunate fate. It fell from a stone bench to concrete and shattered. Needless to say, I was far from happy. But, I have been going without it since then.

Friday night, I think I did well. I went with my aunt after work, she had to run some errands so I went with her. I didn't have my water. I did have a soda, but I didn't take it in with me everywhere we went. And I didn't have it when we drove home late that night.

Saturday was fairly uneventful, and Sunday held a challenge is avoided since age 11. Singing by myself.

I was so scared. Before I went up I was nearly in tears, and momentarily angry because I had not signed up nor asked for this.

But I did it. I shook the entire time, but I did it. And I even went to an activity after service. (Side note: I was famished by the time we finally ate, because I'd only been able to scarf down half a piece of pizza at drama rehearsal that afternoon)

All in all this weekend went well, and I'm pleased with the small steps of progress I'm taking. 

Water Bottle

This is the water bottle that I got today. It seemed, well, very. . .fitting, I guess. It's no secret that because of my anxiety I've latched onto water. And it's really no secret that you can always find it in my purse. But maybe something I've kept secret for too long. . .is how it hurts when people poke fun at the fact that I always have it. Or worse, when they say things like "I seriously doubt you're going to die of dehydration while. . ." walking next door, driving to town, taking a walk, the list goes on and on. 

I know that those phrases are not meant to hurt me, but I think that by not telling people they did, I only made it worse. Does that make any type of sense?

I feel like if I had told people-my family-at the time that hearing things like that hurt, it would have been a good step. Instead, I kept it bottled up. And that only led to me being very secretive and distrustful with my family about my anxiety and the water. I wouldn't say anything if an attack came on, I'd just disappear. I learned to be ready five minutes before it was time to go, and have the water in my purse. And maybe they knew, but maybe they didn't.

I don't think they realize that it ever hurt me. And even now, when I go to see my out of town family, I'm just as careful. A lot of the time I never let them see it. Out of my entire family, no one but those I live with have ever seen me have an attack and actually known it was happening.

And I'm not saying that I'm mad at them, or that I blame them. If I had a kid (or niece or granddaughter or cousin, etc) that struggles like I do, I wouldn't know what to do either. I would probably make the same mistakes, and some of my own. But I wouldn't want them to keep it from me if I'd hurt them. I didn't start getting better until I found someone I could talk to about it all. Someone who wasn't family, and therefore it didn't register as. . .i don't know. Threatening? A person who had never said anything to belittle how I felt or what was in my mind, a person I felt I could trust because. . .she'd never given me a reason not to. 

I did my best to hide the attachment to the water from my family, but now. . .that only means that I can't share with them the steps I've taken. I honestly don't think anyone could understand the feeling of victory or accomplishment when I am able to walk away from it. To set it down for hours at a time. And the rare occasion that I leave it at home.

I still get anxious, I still have panic attacks, and when that happens I still want to be able to grab the bottle. If not for anything more than to feel the coolness against my skin.

I got the bottle, because I hope that when I grab it-when I'm feeling anxious, or panicked, or worried-I'll see what's written on it, and I'll remember. I'll remember that whatever I'm facing, whatever has me anxious, or panicked, or worried, or stressed. . .that it's nothing compared to the one who gives me strength.

I didn't write this post to jab at my family, I didn't write it so they'd see it and feel bad, I didn't even write it because I was upset. I wrote it because maybe, maybe there is someone reading this and feeling like I used to. Feeling like those around you just don't understand, and like you can't talk to them at all. Not to share your pains, and not to share your victories. But there is no reason to feel alone when fighting a battle like this one. Because you're not alone.

You have a family that loves you, and if you'd open up to them you'd be surprised at how understanding they can be. You have friends who, if they're true friends, will think the same way. And most importantly, you have the One Who created you. The One Who is stronger than any panic attack, or feelings of nervousness, or embarasemt. And The One Who will hold you through all of it, if only you'll let Him.