Masks

Last night I was able to stay the night at my church with a group of amazing women, including my Spiritual Mom, Spiritual Sister(s), and my bio sister.

The main reason for this activity was for us to talk about masks. The kind of masks that we wear in our every day life.

The strong one

The happy one

The one who has it all together.

This...is my mask

The makeup represents that I try so hard to let everyone think that I've got it all together, when really I don't.

So many things makeup can't hide.

The words written around it were added when I got home. They are...

Insignificant

Anxious

Insecure

Invisible

Small

Scarred

If someone I  didn't know were to look at me, they would never know that so much goes on inside my head that no one ever sees or hears.

And that's what I use to love. I didn't want people to see, so I held up my mask as best I could and as often as I could.

But now I have people that I trust, that I know I can open up to and let them see behind the mask. But sometimes...it's incredibly hard.

Thanks to anxiety, I constantly second guess everything I say. And if I even think for a moment that I've said something wrong...I flip out. I over analyze everything I say, and that's why it's so much easier for me to write letters explaining things than to try explaining them verbally.

But again that goes back to my mask. I let people think that I've got it all together, sometimes even when just talking about it would help, because I have to make sure it doesn't sound bad. It doesn't sound like I'm crazy. It doesn't sound like I'm insecure.

I'm working on letting the mask slide, and it has been more and more.

I'm scared, I'll admit, to let it slip too far-especially when I'm at home.

Isn't that weird? My mask slips more when I'm away from home, and stays in place more when I am home.

Maybe it's because I feel like my family doesn't need to know. Maybe it's because I feel like I have to be strong for them. Because after all, I'm the oldest. I'm my daddy's strong little girl.

The strong little girl who has the biggest weakness possible.

And...I think I wear the mask for myself. Like if I can make everyone believe that I'm alright, one day I will be.

But I'll never be alright.

Not without the guiding hand of my Daddy God in my own small one.

Masks are meant to be removed, yet how often to we try our best to keep ours up?