Just some thoughts

They ask me "what makes you anxious about..." or "why exactly do you feel anxious when..." or "what are you anxious about." and I wish they could see that I can't answer.

I try.

I really do...but the words are never there.

How do you explain the sickness in the pit of your stomach over nothing? Or tha fact that you can not eat because of it? The shaking spells that scare you more than annoy you, and the overwhelming feeling that you just can't escape.

I wish that I would be able to be honest with them, but how can I be when I can't even be honest with myself?

It's stupid-the fact that I live like this. Afraid of anything that pulls me into an unknown.

I tell myself that it's ok, that I'm making progress. But am I? Because I sure don't see much.

Sure, if I look back to when I was little you can see the progress I've made, but what about now? Is this as far as I can pull myself? Because even now my life is one of second guessing, over planning, and one filled with fear at every unknown turn. 

Even now, I may have to say no to something that makes me anxious, even though I want to do it. Why? Because I may have yet another challenge later that night. And I know the difference between pushing myself, and setting myself up for an attack.

Tonight even I was asked what makes me so anxious about this second thing. And I can't answer. Sure, I may know the reason, but it's to embarrassing to share. It doesn't make any kind of logical sense.

I am a logical person. I don't like when things don't make sense. It bugs me...to extremes.

I really hope I don't even have to mess with it. I want to go through with the challenge I picked for myself, not the one that would be forced on me. *sighs*

Ok, other thoughts now.

I love music. I honestly know it's been one of Gods tools in helping me get through my anxiety. I have a play list on my phone of some "power songs" that I quite like.

I'm thinking of doing a post about each. :-)