2013

So I decided I want to do a post all about 2013. A "Best of/Worst of" type thing. Soooo.....here goes!! :-D

1. Favorite Memory: One of my favorite memories from 2013 is from early in June. The day before the anniversary of my moms death...I was a mess. Cheryl knew it, and actually came over to walk with me. Well, we didn't get far. We ended up sitting on the steps of a little church on my block. She wrapped her arms around me and just let me cry. She wiped my tears, and then made me laugh. It's something I won't forget.

2. Happiest Memory: Cheryl and I went for a walk. We were looking at yard sales, but ended up in the gazebo at the park. I'd just gotten my hair chopped short, and she was having fun playing with it. (She hadn't wanted me to get it cut in the first place, but she was discovering that she liked it.) I was tired, because it was the day after camp. I laid down on the bench, putting my head on her leg. She sat playing with my hair, and we continued our discussion about what I'd learned at camp and how I could keep applying it to my life now. I remember thinking, wishing, that the moment could last forever. 

3. Most Embarrassing Memory: Oh this one is easy. It was approaching Easter, I know this because we were mid perpetration for our big Easter play. I'd gone to a filming day in Nixa with Cheryl. She was in a short film being shot there. Well, I went mid-anxiety attack. I felt completely sick all the while we were driving, and not much better when we finally got there. We go into the ladies room so she can change. Well, while she was doing her makeup I began feeling nauseous and ended up getting sick right there and then. Mortification wouldn't even begin to discribe the level of embarrassment I felt. She tried to come see if I was ok, but I insisted that she go continue with her makeup while I calmed myself down.

4. Most Vivid Memory: This one is hard. I'm not sure what 2013's most vivid memory is. Hmmm...It would have to be when I sang in church all by myself. I was so terrified, but I did it! And it was fun. I couldn't stop shaking afterwards though.

5. Most Carefree Moment: This was actually in December! I went to Hobby Lobby with my family, and I was walking around all by myself...but I felt like I didn't have a care in the world! I didn't feel anxious, worried, or have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was perfect.

6. Favorite Funny Moment: Ok, so one of the funniest things of the year was when my sister scared the wits out of me, momentarily of course. She was waiting for my brother to walk down the hallway so she could scare him. Unfortunately for me, I was walking down the hall at the same time. She jumped out at us and he jumped, but I screamed at the top of my lungs and nearly threw my phone. I don't think anyone stopped laughing for a full three minutes. It took forever for us to be able to explain to my dad what had just happened. 

7. My funniest "Blond" Moment: We were driving back home from my aunts and I thought "we are homeward bound" and suddenly I remembered the name of the movie I loved as a little girl, and the title "Homeward Bound" made sense to me for the first time ever. 

8. Best "BFF" Moment: Best BFF moment was when I was watching X2 for the first time with Jalinn. There was a scene with a tornado and I said something about how my brother (who is facinated yet terrified of them) would freak out. Jalinn looked me in the eye and said "You're from Kansas, you guys should know what a tornado looks like!" ... I don't think I stopped laughing for a full five minutes.

9. Saddest Moment: I think the saddest moment of 2013, for me, was the night that I was told that I wouldn't be able to even audition for the church drama team because of something I had already committed to that I was needed in on the same night they would practice. I remember saying goodnight to Cheryl via facebook, with tears streaming down my face, and going to bed completely and totally heartbroken. I didn't talk to anyone else that night, and thankfully my family left me alone. This moment also caries over to the day of the auditions. I was at church because I had to be, and I distinctly remember walking around aimlessly, attempting to find a place where no one would see me cry. 

10: Something God has Shown Me in 2013: God has shown me several things this year!! The first one ties into #9.

It was months later, when I was backstage for yet another play. As the cast was taking their bows, I was backstage alone. And I suddenly realized that I belonged there. I didn't want to be out in front of all those people, at least not yet. I was exactly where God ment for me to be, and I was extremely glad that I was there.

Something else He showed me...I am not alone in my fight against anxiety. Yes, I have my families to fight with me, but he also introduced me to someone who struggled with it as well. And not only that, I discovered that two of my friends from church also struggle. It's been good to have conversations with them about ways to calm down or focus on something else during an attack.

And the last thing He has madeabundantly  clear...He is with me.

I know that I am never alone, no matter how overpowering the feeling. He is always with me, and He always will be. My life is in His hands, and I couldn't be more grateful.

Note: ok lol, I know a lot of these are about Cheryl, but nothing memorable/serious happens around my house. It's always when I'm around other people. The funny moments at home though are ones that I will treasure for years to come. 

Frozen Attacks

{Spoilers from “Frozen”}

Ok, so if you’ll allow me to be weird for a bit, I’m going to compare Elsa’s fear of her power to anxiety attacks. I know, I know, but just bare with me...and think about it for a moment.

After she hurts Anna,  Elsa is terrified of hurting anyone again. She locks herself away and doesn’t want anything to do with people.

After discovering anxiety/panic symptoms, people tend to want to do the same. Lock ourselves in our rooms or our houses and avoid things that cause the symptoms.

At the party, she’s perfectly fine until Anna starts asking her about her power. She gets overloaded and stressed and when Anna takes her glove-and pushes her too hard-she looses control.

If you have anxiety, you can be fine one moment and then suddenly overwhelmed the next. You want to escape but-not unlike Elsa-you can’t before it’s too late and an attack sets in.

Then what do you do? It’s all you CAN do to attempt to “conceal it, don’t feel it. Don’t let it show.”

When she runs away, builds her tower, and finds her “freedom”...that’s like when we finally get away and convince ourselves that staying out of those situations is the best and easiest way to avoid the symptoms that not only hurt us, but scare us witless.

The scene between Anna and Elsa in “For the First Time in Forever (reprise)” is not only my favorite from the movie, but it speaks to me unlike many secular songs I have heard. “For the first time in forever, I finally understand. For the first time in forever, we can face this hand in hand. We can climb down this mountain together, you don’t have to live in fear. Because for the first time in forever, I will be right here.”


When I really listened to this, it made me want to cry. To know that someone it willing to stand by you, and face it with you, is a feeling unlike any other. And there was only one person for the longest time that really seemed to understand and want face it with me. It’s something that I will always be thankful for. For the rest of my life; it’s something that I will never forget.

When she discovers that love is what can thaw the winter, and can help her control her power...that’s like when we discover that hiding from it is NOT the answer, but turning to someone that loves us and wants with all their heart to understand and to help us overcome...THAT is the real way to help calm our anxious hearts.

My anxiety has been the topic of many tear filled (for her) and symptom filled (for me) conversations between me and my spiritual mother over this past year.

She wants to understand, almost as desperately as I wish she could.

And although I try my very best to explain, it’s so difficult a thing to understand if you haven’t experienced it.

But weather they can understand exactly or not, having someone to talk to-that will listen at any time of the day or night-that loves you with all their heart, like you were there own...it’s a blessing that not many have. But I am one of few, and I am so thankful. Because I know that she will always be there, no matter what.

That’s why I like to compare Elsa’s fear of her powers to my anxiety. Because love and understanding is the way to take control of both. 

Anxiety and Christmas Cookies

Ok, so for three days Id been looking forward to going to Cheryl's house to bake cookies to take to Rare Breed-an organization that works with homeless teens in and around the Ozarks.

Friday morning I woke up sick to my stomach. Completely nauseous. It was awful.

I chopped it up to drainage from the cold I'd been fighting and hoped it would go away.

It didn't.

Around 11am I was considering calling and canceling, but my dad said no.
I am so glad he did.
He hugged me tight and told me not to worry. He said that he knew that it was easier said than done, but I was just thankful that-for the first time since I was 13 years old-he didn't say "get over it" or "it's all in your head". He said "You'll be ok. YOu like Cheryl, right?" And I just laughed. I wasn't worried about cookie baking, I was anxious about the car ride I thought we were taking to Rare Breed later in the afternoon.
about 11:30 I started getting ready. I decided I was going to wear makeup. I didn't care that it was just going to be me, Cheryl, and Amanda (and Briana, I found out later), I wanted to cover up my breakout.
My anxiety was HIGH and my stomach was churning. By 12:15 I hadn't eaten a thing and decided to go outside. It was cool, and that always helped with my nerves. Besides, she would only be about another 15 minutes.
Well, after helping my sister get a tennis ball out of the gutter, I just kind of walked around and waited for her. My stomach never did completely calm down. Even after we'd been at her house for a couple of hours, it was still upset.
We made cake cookies when we got there, and several jokes about Cheryl in the kitchen-a very rare occurrence.It was a fantastic time!
We were getting ready to leave, but at the last minute we called daddy and asked him if we could stay for a couple hours longer and eat dinner there. He said yes, I was excited. That was the first time I had eaten-whoa. Whoa-whoa-whoa. Cheryl. Cheryl! I just put together the fact that last night was the first time I have ever eaten a real meal at your house. (I'm not counting OUAT night because that was more of snacking, hahaha) Dude I don't know why that makes me so happy! Hahaha

 Anyway, back to the cookies. Well, actually, we forgot about the cookies for a while. We did nails, we played card games, and laughed when Cheryl named the guy that came to fix their internet "Jimmy".
During dinner we decided to watch Cheryl's favorite movie ever filmed-Les Miserables. Briana then becamse anti-social and hid in a corner with headphones because she hates Les Mis with a passion.
I curled up beside Cheryl and watched for about half an hour before it was decided that it was time for the Smith girls had to get home.
After we dropped Amanda off and got to out house, Briana went inside and Cheryl and I sat on the porch to talk. We didn't talk long though because she was worried about me. I was in flip flops, so I was shivering. She said something about not having felt me shake like that since the day we were up in Hammons Tower and she hugged me when she saw me.
I didn't want the moment to end, because I love the feeling of being in her arms. We just sat in a hug for several minutes, talking about the day and plans for the weekend.

Confession

GOk, so since I can't sleep right now-feeling slightly symptomatic, blec-I decided to write about something that I've never talked to anyone about.

Not my dad, not my Spiritual Mom, no one.

It's something that happens the nights I find myself in the midst of an anxiety or panic attack.

During an attack, multiple things can happen, but there is a certain kind for me that trigger an illogical-and rather embarrassing-reaction.

The specific attack has to do with a certain few physical symptoms.

An ache between my shoulders, tightness in my chest, pain over and around where my heart is, sometimes accompanied by dizziness or a headache and nausea.

Whenever an attack like this sets in, it's usually for no particular reason, so of course my anxious mind immediatly has multiple ideas of what could be wrong and what could happen until I'm sure that at any moment I am going to pass out and have to be rushed to the hospital.

With this idea in mind, I begin to take inventory of what is in my purse and make sure everything I might need right away is inside.

Usually that list includes my water bottle, my phone and/or iPod and my charger.

My phone has my Bible, my notebook, reading, and is my contact to friends whom I would desperately need to talk to if I were in the hospital and scared witless.

It's an illogical method of calming myself down, but somehow..,just knowing that I have all of it together helps me to relax, however slightly.

Recently I've been trying to concentrate more on praying, singing, and reciting scripture than on packing a bag. But there is something about that feeling of just knowing in your bones that something is going to happen...and then having it be nothing.

The feeling of impending doom is one that cannot really be explained, no matter how much I wish I could.

Update: 10/17/14

Since I wrote this, I can count on one hand the number of times I've actually packed a bag. They've become so infrequent that I can't remember the last time I did. Until tonight.

It wasn't anything big, but I've been feeling sick for a couple hours. When j got home from work I slid my phone charger in my purse and have had it by me on the couch all night.

I don't understand this, the anxiety. It's becoming harder and harder to tell when I am actually sick, or when I am having an attack. 

My Second Mom

GTonight I can't sleep. So instead of waiting until tomorrow, I want to write about the woman who means the world to me. She has helped me through so much in just the past two years...you wouldn't believe.

This is her and I, just a couple of months ago. I'd had an awful panic/anxiety attack the night before this. I'd been reading the birthday card she'd given me. One of the lines was something like "we walk this bridge over the chasm of life together" and I couldn't stop the thought yes, but one of us will finish the walk first. And suddenly my mind was assaulted with pictures that I can still see in my minds eye.

A funeral. Seeing her, laying in a casket, unmoving. Just like my mother before her.

I jstarted panicking. I remembered something she'd said a while back about what she wanted done after she died. I started bawling.

I was crying, shaking, and I couldn't stop. For twenty minutes I laid on my floor, and then under the covers in my bed, crying.

Before this picture was taken, I'd hugged her and heard her heartbeat. A re-assuring sound to go with the feeling of security I had while in her arms.

Before I let go, a friend popped her head out the door to the porch of my sisters house, and said "Don't move. I'll be right back with my camera."

Well...I was happy to comply. After all, it gave me an excuse to hold on just a little while longer.

I first met her in January of 2012. We think it was the 29th, though I am not positive on the date.

We became friends. I began to trust her with things that I wouldn't trust anyone else with, and even asked a couple of questions which proved to be quite embarrassing for me. Lol

It was April, I think, when the thought "I love her" first crossed my mind. Not a weird "I love her" but an "I love her like a mom"

And this thought shook me to my core, because before this...that phrase had been used to convey emotion to only a select handful outside of my family. And all too late I realized that I had let another person I to my heart. And this...this is what scared me the most.

We became close, celebrating birthdays and girls night, and we-er, I-thought that we couldn't be closer. I was wrong.

Camp 2012: One day of that week is a day I will hopefully remember for the rest of my life.

It was an emotional week, and one night I had to talk with a counselor. I knew Cheryl had seen me go back, she'd have had to since she was sitting near the back, but when I looked up to see her waiting for me...

Until this night I had never seen her cry. I'd heard her cry, and I'd had the feeling she was crying before, but I'd never seen her. And when I did, it was like an emotional dam inside me broke. I walked over to her, and she wrapped her arms around me. I did the same. We both sobbed.

She asked what was wrong and I told her, and I relished the feeling of being in her arms. I'd so been longing for my mothers arms, and having Cheryl's around me...I felt like a little girl. I felt more safe and secure than I had in a while. And i know that mom was looking down on us and smiling.

That year was one that we grew closer. So much closer, that we'd never even imagined being able to have the hole in each of out hearts filled so.

A year-and many heart to hearts, tears, and emotional conversations later-it's a day before I have to leave for camp.

It's the day that marked five years since my mothers death. And I am terrified.

I'm always scared to go to camp, with my anxiety...I never knew what could happen. But to leave for camp on what was one of the hardest and most emotional days of the year for me...I actually vomited the Saturday before we left.

That day, June 2nd, I was crying. I was at home, bawling, and I couldn't stop. I'd been texting Cheryl and she asked if I wanted to walk. Her way of asking if I needed her there.

I said yes.

We walked around the block one time before ending up in the steps to the entrance to a church. We sat and talked. She listened, gave encouragement, held me while I wept and wiped away tears as they fell. I didn't know how to thank her. I still don't.

The fact that she was there was enough to make me cry again.

She has held my hand through panic attacks. Calmed me during times of anxiousness.

The first time I had a major attack while with her, I was at her house with several other friends for an all night marathon of a TV show we are all hooked on.

I don't know what time it was, but all of a sudden I got hot. I felt sick. And I couldn't sit still. I stood up and began to casually find excuses to walk around. Taking something to the kitchen, that kind of thing. Well, my older sister caught on quick and asked if I was ok. When I said no, she suggested I go outside.

I did.

The cool air instantly felt wonderful, but it didn't do much to calm my stomach or mind. As another wave washed over me all I remember thinking-as I gripped the porch railing-was I will not throw up in her bushes. I will not throw up on her porch. I will not throw up right now.

As I'm thinking this, and the wave is dissipating, Cheryl comes out and stands next to me.

"Are you alright?" She asks.

I nodd.

"I can call your dad if you want. It's not too late and it's only a few minutes away."

I shook my head "No" I said. The last thing I wanted to do was skipp another fun night that year due to a panic attack. It wasn't going to happen.

She put her arm around me and we stepped back to sit on the bench. I leaned into her embrace and clenched my eyes shut as another wave of sickness hit.

She sat with me until it all passed and I falsely assured her I was alright. I didn't feel sick anymore, but I still didn't feel great. But soon, all signs of attack vanished, and I was able to enjoy a night with some of my best friends.

And, later that night, something happened that I'll never forget.

She thought I was asleep-I'm sure-on the floor a few feet between her and Jalinn. She got up to put dishes away, but reached over to me. She tucked my hair, which had ended up everywhere after she brushed it, behind my ear and kissed the top of my head. 

I say all I've said, to say this.

She is exactly like a mother to me, in nearly every sense of the word. I wouldn't trade our time together for anything in the world. God has blessed us in ways we never dreamed possible. 

Walkin Home

Ok, so over the past two Sundays my church's drama team (Break of Day Players) has put on a play called "Walkin Home" at both our home church and at another. I waited until both productions were over before writing.

Both productions required a lot of work. And I mean a LOT of work.

Hours of makeup, hours of set preparation, and months of rehearsals for the actors.

I was given an "official" title right before the first production. Apparently I am stage manager. Not that I'm letting it go to my head...but I really like the sound of that. Even though sometimes I feel like I do more harm than good. I can't seem to shake the feeling that if I am not doing something I'm just in the way. So I try to stay busy...and end up running around like a mad woman.

But boy do I have fun doing it. I love serving, and I know that even of I don't FEEL like I'm doing anything...I actually am helping.

The first day, I was running around until about ten minutes till show time, and when I finally got backstage my heart was racing from the running and I was anxious, so I had to get myself to calm down so I could concentrate. It took a while, but the panic went away and I had an amazing night.

The only thing that went wrong, and almost brought me to tears of anger at myself, was that I was so warped up in helping someone who was nervous, I forgot to have a prop ready and one of the actors got on stage late. I was SO thankful that the other actor was able to cover for a few seconds until they were ready.

I was able to pray with and encourage one of the girls who was crazy nervous about having to play guitar and sing at the end. This is an opertunity I never would have had if I'd been on stage like I wanted to be.

(This summer I was emotional, unstable, and upset regarding the decision to try out for the drama team. Just when I was sure that it was what God wanted me to do, I discovered that I wouldn't be able to without breaking a comitment I had already made. I'll unashamedly say that I bawled the night I found out. And for a day or two after.)

So I wasn't an actor. But I wanted to be back stage. I wanted to have SOME part in it because...well the group of crazies are my family! I wanted to be with them and I wanted to see my Mama Bear in her element. I LOVE watching her direct.

So I volunteered.

And that first night as I was sitting back stage by myself...I realized something.

I didn't WANT to be on stage. I didn't WANT anyone to know what I was doing.

I was content-more than that, I was happy and excited-to be working behind the scenes where no one could see me. Quietly serving and helping others.

It was the most amazing night of my life. 

Second production: Today we left church and loaded into vans to go to the other church across town. After we ate there we set up the stage and started on makeup. We didn't really have a lot of down time, I was almost constantly running around. The one time I actually sat down it only lasted for like five minutes before I jumped up, remembering a whole list of things I still had to do.

I went back stage for the rehearsal and sat down, but immediately had to stand back up because of attack symptoms. I momentarily freaked out because I could not afford to have a panic attack right then.

I was texting a friend, so I told her and she prayed for me. Almost instantly I began feeling better. I paced around for a while, and by the time practice ended I had almost forgotten I'd nearly had an attack.

Then it was more running around and finishing makeup and corralling everyone backstage.

I could not get them to be quiet. The adults even, I told like four times to please be quiet. Oi. I know they are adults, but they'd been telling me I was in charge of backstage! I was so confused as to what to do that I finally just gave up and let Jenn tell them to hush when it was time.

I think the kids did really well with being quiet though. Yes there were laughs and whispers and the occasional random noise (more than a few accidently caused by me) but over all it went well.

I still had my freak out at the beginning and even part way through, scratching at my arm to make the anxiety get lost. But God did an amazing work.

Through the crew, through the acting, through the testimony, and through the song at the end.

My "sister" gave her testimony. It was very emotional for her. The whole play was. More than once she broke down backstage, and it killed me to see her like that. I can't take away her pain or her memories of that awful time, no matter how much I wish I could.

But her testimony is an amazing one for Christ. And anyone who knows her, knows this to be true.

I am so thankful for God's hand in her life, and in all of our lives.

He did a great work through all of us, and I am so blessed to be able to be a part of it all. I am humbled and amazed and I cannot wait to see what He does next through this amazing team!

Insecurities

Something I have noticed recently that's beginning to present a real problem, is the fact that I second guess nearly everything that comes out of my mouth. 

Even just the small and most off hand of comments that probay no one really gives a second thought...it takes me weeks to get over it if I say or do something stupid. Or if I make a mistake, or mess something up.

My thoughts tell me, more so, they completely convince me, that I am anything but needed. That I am in the way. That I should never have said something like that, I'm such an idiot for saying that, what will they think now?

They tell me I'm worthless and useless, at the times I am most vulnerable.

Lately they tell me that I'm not pretty enough. I've always known I'm never going to look like the girls on the cover of magazines, but recently I don't like leaving the house without makeup and hair done. And if I leave the house without it, I hate looking in the mirror. Or being in a picture. My thoughts convince that I'm not as good without the makeup or the hair done.

Some days I can't escape it, and I begin to believe all the thoughts that swarm in my mind. Then I get depressed, and end up in bed not wanting to do anything. Yet nothing I can do makes the thoughts go away. Makes the demons leave me be.

God is the only one who can pull me out of days like that, with a desperate prayer, a plea for help, He is at my side. No friend has ever pulled me out of a day or mood like that. They have made me laugh, but not pulled me out.

I am thankful for my Daddy God who is always there to help me. To protect me. 

If I knew any verses by heart that talked about this, I would share them. But I hold to the promise that He will never leave me or forsake me. I hold to the fact that I am precious in His eyes. And really, that is all I should care about.